Dating

The Issue of Contemporary Dating From a Christian Perspective

“Dating” or “going out” are broad terms used to describe a variety of activities to do with modern courtship. In this paper, the relative merits of such contemporary dating will be questioned in the light of Biblical teaching and various spheres of current Christian thought.

The concept of marriage is one that most Christians are familiar with. The Genesis creation account introduces us to marriage (chapter 2, verse 24). Throughout the rest of the Old Testament, the idea of a man leaving his “father and mother and be[ing] united with his wife” is treated as a given practice for mankind. In the New Testament, marriage is maintained as a union made by God (and therefore, one which is not to be broken [Luke 10:9]). However, it is also made known that marriage has not been prescribed by God as something for everyone. In the twentieth century, dating became a major societal institution in Western countries and is now seen by many as a vital transition stage between leaving one's parents and being united in marriage. Banks and Stevens, in their comprehensive look at many Christian doctrines, have noted that this modern form of finding a spouse also involves less parental or mentor supervision or guidance than any other past system. Its prevalence in Christian and secular society, and various negative aspects of it, are the motivations for such an investigation.

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What are we told in the Bible about male-female relationships? We are told a lot on the subject broadly, but are not given direct advice about dating. As stated, marriage is given a special place in Biblical teaching: “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5:22). A command from Paul to the Corinthian Christians said to “not be yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14). Various scholars have differing interpretations of this passage (verses 14-18): from the view that it applies to marriage (Matthew Henry) to that of it being a general warning that God “will not share his yoke with the world” (Warren Wiersbe). Either way, with the biblical picture of marriage in mind, it would seem unwise to marry someone who did not hold marriage in such a light or share a common focus in Christ.

The Bible also tells us about man's rightful use of sexuality. It is suggested that an integral aspect of a marriage is sex: “they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) and “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time” (1 Corinthians 7:5a). We are also told that sex is only to take place within the marital context by the numerous references to sexual immorality or fornication being evil practices (Romans 1:29, Galatians 5:19, Colossians 3:5). The action we are spurred on to take is to “get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you” (James 1:21).

The scriptures tell us of the different roles that men and women have in relating to one another and the different qualities that they should strive to attain. The apostle Peter, for example, commands wives to be submissive towards their husbands and to be beautiful from within (1 Peter 3); and also commands husbands to be considerate of their wives. Another relevant example comes from 1 Timothy 5:1b-2: “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” With such portions of scripture in mind, how to address the issue of dating is far from clear cut, but it does give us some direction.

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The World Book Dictionary defines a date as a “social engagement with one of the opposite sex”. While this is far from an exhaustive description of the many meanings of dating in today's context, the basic idea of a man meeting with a woman for social purposes is a good place to start. Is it wise for Christian men and women to meet together this way?

Joshua Harris, in his bestseller I Kissed Dating Goodbye, suggests that refraining from having ongoing “dating relationships” is a good way to pursue righteousness. He also states, though, that having social engagements with a member of the opposite sex should not be banned.

Secular society sees going on dates as a natural part of developing opposite-sex relationships as expressed by the best-selling author John Gray who wrote that “the right dating skills” can lead to recognising and marrying a soul mate. From a Christian perspective, why should it be questioned? Because problems may occur such as premature physical intimacy, a lessened focus on God or a person creating a false impression of himself/herself. These and other negative side effects of going on a date with someone are caused ultimately by a lack of wisdom and self-control in individuals mixed with an unhelpful dating culture. An example of how a dating culture affects the date: Two Christians who are part of a culture where going on a date has no attached expectations of developing the friendship to a new level, nor is it to involve any type of physical contact. In this case, it is less likely that there will be hurt associated with the feeling that it's not going to lead to anything, and it is also less likely to lead to premature intimacy in the form of a goodnight kiss. (Is a goodnight kiss necessarily a bad thing? That query and others of a physical nature will be addressed later.)

With the knowledge of a culture's influence, one could suggest that Christians should create a dating culture with set specifications aimed to minimise the areas where dates can have negative results. Such cultures do exist and will be discussed later; in practice, though, much of the modern church tries to accommodate for society's norms. Creating extreme doctrinal rules can deter potential church members and become an avenue for Christians to focus on their works as opposed to God's grace. In this context, maintaining a successful dating culture which differs significantly from the secular one would be a hard task. The impracticality of the task, and the view that one can and should learn to sidestep the negative aspects of a culture, may be reasons why going on dates is generally accepted by many Christians.

Western society's concept of going on a date often involves a romantic theme. It often involves going to an idyllic setting. It often involves each person performing a role. There is hope that this date will lead towards a permanent coupling. There is the possibility of some physical intimacy if the occasion goes well (Banks and Stevens). If Christians are to go on dates in such an environment while avoiding the possible pitfalls of such engagements, then wisdom and self-control are required. Cloud and Townsend suggested that refraining from such dating could be a suitable expression of wisdom and control if the pressures of culture are too much to handle.

The benefits of going on a date can be compared with that of two Christians of the same sex meeting together to develop their friendship. Time spent together with someone of the opposite sex can prove invaluable in helping people relate better, serve better, develop better biblical knowledge and have fun. With this in mind, the practice of going on dates while being aware of the potential problem areas seems sensible. This could mean removing the romantic element of such a meeting or only going on group dates. These are examples of remedies to dating problems which Cloud and Townsend called “boundaries”. Whatever boundaries are put in place, they need to be clearly communicated in order to prove effective. If the risks associated with a culture's expectations of a date are recognised and discussed, there is no reason to suggest that someone who is happy to go on dates with other Christians shouldn't go on a date with a person who is not of the faith. Announcing one's dating boundaries to someone not of the faith may be an excellent way to guide the conversation into the giving a testimony and the sharing of the good news.

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Given that spending time alone with another person of the opposite sex is not to be outlawed for Christians, the next question that arises is, “Is it beneficial to be ‘going out’ with one particular person?” This form of dating is quite different to simply being a person who goes on dates with different people. This form of courtship has its own set of culturally defined expectations. These can include a certain level of physical intimacy, spending “special” time with one another, confiding on a more personal level or partaking in a relationship with a view to marriage.

Being in a “steady” exclusive relationship can be a very positive experience for two people. Ideally, it can be a domain in which the people can serve each other and others, help each other grow in their relationship with God and enjoy each other's company. It can be the basis for a marriage. John Gray wrote that the product of a fruitful dating relationship is “finding true and lasting love”. Somewhere to start in our examination of exclusive dating relationships is with the knowledge that we already have the most true and lasting love as expressed from God through Christ (Romans 5:8, 1 John 3:16a), and that our love should be foremost for God (Deuteronomy 6:4-5, Mark 12:29-30).

The benefits of an exclusive “going out” relationship are, like the benefits of going on dates, obvious when viewed as being similar to the benefits of a same-sex friendship. The negative side effects can be of a quite different nature though.

In a community that is meant to be built on loving one another (Leviticus 19:18, Mark 12:31) and being at peace with all siblings in Christ (Matthew 5:22-24), factions and resentment that can be caused by “breaking up” are travesties. By definition, a dating relationship that ends is not a divorce, and hence is often considered an unfortunate but acceptable part of finding our perfect match. Anne Ryun, a Christian mother, wrote of her understanding of the rationale of many: “If it doesn't work out, we can always break up.” It seems that, if dating is being used as a medium to marriage and a break up does occur, the best way to deal with the resulting hurt is through prayer, and for those involved to try and heal the wounds. A better solution may be to avoid the wounds in the first place by doing away with these types of relationships. Ryun reflected that it “simply does not make sense to train for a long-term marriage by pursuing what all too often is a series of short-term relationships”. She subscribes to the movement in America that has created what aims to be a preferable alternative to secular society's dating culture: modern courtship.

Upon addressing the problem of too much physical intimacy in such a relationship, we return to the conflict between cultural mores and wise Christian practices. Gray's prescription of physical intimacy as an integral part of stage four of “the five stages of dating required to create a loving and lasting relationship” demonstrates that an element of physical intimacy is expected by society. Consistent with logical Christian reasoning, Gray notes that problems occur when a dating couple become too physically intimate before they are emotionally, mentally or spiritually connected. This is seen clearly when a couple both feel unsuited to each other and decide to break up but still feel torn because of the physical link that they had with one another.

Sexual intimacy within marriage is given to us as a gift “for our enjoyment and His glory,” wrote Harris in his follow-up book to I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Boy Meets Girl. Elizabeth Elliot conferred in writing that intimacy is not required in the process of choosing a partner and preparing for marriage.

We have good reason to believe that fornication is not pleasing to God and that lesser forms of physical intimacy before marriage may tempt us and cause other problems due to their prematurity. What about that goodnight kiss? “No,” says Harris' theory; don't allow oneself to be tempted by leaving each other wanting more (Matthew 6:13). The Bible also warns of how passions can consume us. It says that younger women should be treated like sisters (1 Timothy 5:2). An underlying theme of teaching from Christ's sermon on the mountain (Matthew 5, 6, 7)—to not draw legalistic lines and move as far away from sin as possible—may also be relevant in the practical decision of “how far is too far?” (a popular schoolboy question!)

The culture of dating accommodates many more problems than just those associated with break-ups and physical intimacy. Harris (1997) lists the “Seven habits of highly defective dating” which include: a lack of commitment, discontentment with the gift of singleness, isolation from other relationships and distraction from preparing for the future. Banks and Stevens noted that the dating system favours “the young, the wealthy and the outward-going personality” and can result in falling in love for a period (“that delightful derangement in which judgement is suspended”. Those in exclusive dating relationships can also have the tendency to be overtly inward-looking and possessive of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Doubtlessly, the list of potential negatives could go on. It is true to say that these problems don't automatically have to happen when couples decide to “go out” and also accurately point out that same-sex relationships among Christians have problems too.

What about dating without the aim of marriage in mind? Some would argue that these relationships only have the aim of short-term mutual self benefit and will predominantly serve to provide an environment of temptation. Others, like Banks and Stevens, argue that it is an activity that can be productive even without marriage in mind. They give the condition that “dating must be conducted in such a way that if one does not marry this person, no violation of the person sexually or emotionally would have taken place.” Is that a task that can be achieved?

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Let's now examine the effects of replacing the dating culture with a viable alternative. Harris (2000) wrote about the courtship process mentioned earlier. It involves interaction with a view to marriage, parental participation in the process, engagement in activities of service and discipleship (as opposed to “wining and dining”), being financially prepared for marriage, and a focus on communication and prayer, among other things. Cloud and Townsend claim that this is simply giving a form of dating a different name. Whether it's dating or not, it is rejecting the popular dating culture with specific aims to alleviate specific problems of convention and according to the followers, and is a more controlled way of making suitable matches which result in successful marriages.

A potential benefit of this process having the special name of courtship is that it acts as an obvious opposition to the secular dating culture. For the dating couple who rightly choose to reject harmful aspects of what is generally accepted by being labelled as “going steady” or “going out” with each other, they still have the problem of those who aren't of the faith assuming that they conform to society's dating model. As mentioned earlier, doctrine that conflicts with society has the downside of alienating potential members of the church. However, the idea of Christians behaving differently to the world is a biblical one (Matthew 5:13-16).

Having this prescribed method of moving towards marriage should not be portrayed as being perfect. The system may have the same negative aspects as dating, depending on how the courtship is defined. For example, the tendency for the people involved to be prematurely seen to belong to one another, which can exclude others from the relationship, can easily occur in courtship. The issue of whether two people who are not ready for marriage in all aspects should abstain from seeing each other is one that plagues courtship. The whole idea of courtship may also simply not suit the individuals involved for other righteous reasons. When considering this, it must be remembered that courting is certainly not directly given to us in God's word.

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This paper has not exposed the clear way to find a marriage partner, or claimed that dating or courting is either right or wrong. It has merely questioned the way things are often done in dating and highlighted aspects associated with accepted practices. In conclusion, it is vital to emphasise the underlying values which all of the writers on the topic expressed. Elliot writes of the importance of “bringing one's love life under the authority and Lordship of Jesus Christ”. She also claims that marriage is not the only adequate status for deep personal growth. Cloud and Townsend cite Colossians 2:20-23, saying that singles need to develop resilience in “restraining sensual indulgence” (verse 23). Harris (1997) writes that the basis of his attitude was “smart love” as described by Paul in Philippians 1:9-10: “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ”.

If and when we go about dating or courting, it is important that the harmful aspects of the popular culture are acknowledged and dealt with as we must flee from sin. A marriage or a courtship must not become idols for us either. The advice that Banks and Stevens offers—that one should arrange one's own marriage—is important to consider when getting bogged down by the negatives of dating. Harris' call for men to be chivalrous and make the decision to actively pursue also tells us that we can't just wait for Mr or Miss Perfect to make their way to us. Perhaps the most crucial piece of advice for relating with others is one that applies to all of life: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

Issue 06 In the Image of God On Being a Man The Gentle Sex Marriage: An Interview One Flesh, One Food Singleness Divorce Dating Dating Essay Sex: Adam Knew Eve Sex: Anyone for Bifocals? A History, A Story Hippocampus Extensions About Issues Ben Karen

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