Divorce

Last year, my parents met with my brother over dinner. They were worried about the direction of his life and his future. There's nothing much remarkable about that really. My guess is that conversations like that happen over and over again across time and space. Parents are often concerned about their children's direction in life.

What made this particular dinner and conversation so unusual in the Barratt/See family is that my brother can't remember a time when his parents last sat down together over a meal with him. Or when they were last together in the same room, or the same building, or the same street, or even the same suburb. My sister can't either. Neither can I. We are children of divorce.

When Karen made a general request to SPUBS (Staff Postgrad University Bible Study) for some of us to write about something, I said okay, sure, “I'll write about divorce. Both my parents are divorced.” I am so used to thinking this way—thinking of my parents as separate and unique entities: my mother and her life, my father and his life; that I express it in such separate terms. Of course, God never intended it that way. Our God is a faithful and loving God, and he wants his people to be in relationship with him so much that he sent his Son to bring that about. It's no wonder that God is against divorce! In the Bible, it's actually even stronger than that.

In the book of Malachi, God says, “I hate divorce” (Mal 2:16, NIV). The new ESV says it slightly differently, but includes a footnote of a similar translation: “For the man who hates and divorces, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” Footnote: Probable meaning (compare Septuagint and Deuteronomy 24:1-4); or For the Lord, the God of Israel, says that he hates divorce, and him who covers

The context of this passage comes from that immediately preceding, that God is angry with Judah because they have broken faith, and pursued foreign gods (Mal 2:11). Of course, this is long in the history of Israel, for repeatedly they break their end of the agreement, even though God chooses Israel to be his people. This is picked up in such passages as Nehemiah 9 & Jeremiah 11.

God choosing his people and his covenant with them is well summed up in Moses' speech to Israel before they enter the Promised Land in Deuteronomy 7:

⁶ For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. ⁷ It was not because you were more in number than any other people that the Lord set his love on you and chose you, for you were the fewest of all peoples, ⁸ but it is because the Lord loves you and is keeping the oath that he swore to your fathers, that the LORD has brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt. ⁹ Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations, ¹⁰ and repays to their face those who hate him, by destroying them. He will not be slack with one who hates him. He will repay him to his face. ¹¹ You shall therefore be careful to do the commandment and the statutes and the rules that I command you today.

Note that God chooses them not because of anything they have done, but because God keeps the oath he swore to their fathers. Our God is a God of faithfulness and he wants his people to be faithful too.

Faithfulness in humans is most intimately expressed in the bond between husband and wife. The first marriage in Genesis 2 expresses this specific one-to-one closeness and bond:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother, and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

The idea of “hold fast” is the idea of glue, being stuck together and not able to be separated (MacCarthy). Notice also that there is a formation of new unit, for the man and woman leave their parents and this relationship supersedes the previous relationship between parents and child. It's not for nothing that God says that it is very good (Gen 1:31).

If only this could have continued, but alas, sin comes into the world in Genesis 3. The marriage relationship is fractured and marriage is made difficult: the wife will desire her husband and her husband will rule over her. (Gen 3:16) Sin eats away at marriages and sometimes divorce is the final consequence.

Divorce in the Old Testament seems permitted but not in any way sanctioned or recommended. The Pentateuch primarily mentions divorced people in the law (Lev 21:7,14, Lev 22). A priest must be holy and not marry a divorced woman in Lev 21, and a priest's daughter who divorces may return to be part of his household.

Deuteronomy 24:1-4 describes divorce and remarriage and seems primarily aimed at making sure that divorce is not an excuse for adultery (Hill). It was set up so that a husband could not divorce his wife and then marry another in order to sleep with her, before tiring of her and coming back and re-marrying his former wife.

In the broader sense, many of the passages in the Old Testament liken the marriage covenant to the covenant between God and his people. In Hosea 1-3, Hosea is to marry an adulterous woman, as a reflection of the adultery of Israel in pursuing foreign gods. But even then, God promises a time of restoration (Hos 2:19-20). God wants reconciliation with Israel his bride, and does not want complete dissolution of the relationship (Jer 3:12-18).

It's clear from the Old Testament that divorce is definitely not God's ideal, but it is permitted due to the sinfulness of us all.

In the New Testament, the Pharisees question Jesus in Matthew 19. He permits divorce at this point, because of man's hardness of heart, but only if sexual immorality in the marriage relationship has occurred. This is reiterated in Matthew 5:31-32. Sexual immorality is a terrible destruction of trust in a marriage. The one-flesh-ness created by the marriage is torn asunder. It is a horrible thing that is hard to forgive. Jesus brings it back to creation (rather than the Mosaic law which permitted divorce):

Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, ⁵ and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh’? ⁶ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.

Paul offers some practical advice about divorce in 1 Corinthians 7. If both are believers, they should stay together, unless one of the two has committed marital unfaithfulness. However, if one of the them is not a believer, and they want to leave the marriage, they should be able to, in the hope that a peaceful exit will be a good witness for the non-believer.

In general, reconciliation and staying together is what God wants. Singleness is preferable to remarriage. If it is not possible to reconcile because the other person doesn't want to, then remarriage is an option.

Clearly God does not want dissolution of marriage. Remember marriage is just a pale reflection of the real marriage between Christ and the church (Eph 5:32) and it is this greater relationship that every Christian participates in. Just as human sinfulness and rebellion destroyed the perfect union between Christ and the church, so sin destroys the marriage union. No wonder God hates it so much when it is such a breaking of relationship and a reflection of the other greater relationship.

In our churches, we will do well to remember that, just like the rest of us, divorced people are sinful and forgiven when they turn to the Father in faith. It is important not to ostracise our Christian brothers and sisters who are divorced. More fractured relationships is definitely not what God wants.

Legalistically, it's very easy to say, “You're allowed to divorce” to someone and “You're not allowed to divorce” to someone else. I don't think it's this simple. Couples considering divorce should sit down with a marriage counsellor and try to work through their problems. But, sometimes fighting in marriage is so painful, so utterly damaging and destroying to a relationship, that perhaps divorce is the best option. I know that for my parents, staying together would have resulted in one of them being severely injured or even killed.

Sometimes people blame the breakup of a marriage on one person only, or in our modern society say that there is “no fault” in divorce. I don't think that any marriage can be classed as no-fault, the way secular society seems to say. Divorce is usually a combination of both parties' sinfulness, albeit to very different degrees sometimes. It's often a horrible, difficult, ugly mess.

Personally, divorce was a disaster for our family, though I don't think that staying together would have been any better. I think there were 13 court cases over custody and maintenance being paid, violence, tense and irritable access visits to my father, a breakdown completely of the relationship between my sister and my father, my mother still is terrified of being in the same room as my father, and all three of us children have had problems with depression and suicidal tendencies. Divorce is very damaging to everyone involved. It's a lose/lose situation all round. The psychological impact on children is summed up well by Judith Wallerstein:

Children in postdivorce families do not, on the whole, look happier, healthier, or more well adjusted even if one or both parents are happier. National studies show that children from divorced and remarried families are more aggressive towards their parents and teachers. They experience more depression, have more learning difficulties, and suffer from more problems with peers than children from intact families. ... two to three more times more likely to be referred for psychological help at school ... more of them end up in mental health clinics and hospital settings ... earlier sexual activity, more children born out of wedlock, less marriage and more divorce ... adult children of divorce have more psychological problems than those raised in intact families. Page xxiii, “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce” Wallerstein, JS, Lewis, JM & Blakeslee, S.

Our God is very wise when he does not condone divorce. We do well to end with Psalm 19:7-14

⁷ The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul;
the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple;

⁸ the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes;

⁹ the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;
the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether.

¹⁰ More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb.
¹¹ Moreover, by them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.
¹² Who can discern his errors? Declare me innocent from hidden faults.
¹³ Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression.

¹⁴Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Issue 06 In the Image of God On Being a Man The Gentle Sex Marriage: An Interview One Flesh, One Food Singleness Divorce Dating Dating Essay Sex: Adam Knew Eve Sex: Anyone for Bifocals? A History, A Story Hippocampus Extensions About Issues Ben Karen

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