Male and Female
The Image of God
Marriage
An Interview
Karen: How long have we been married now?
Ben: Umm... ahh... I know this one... 2 years and 9 months.
Karen: How old were you when we got married?
Ben: 20 and a bit.
Karen: Why did you decide to get married so young?
Ben: I found the right girl and it was getting pretty serious so it was either get married or try not to see each other much. We had to work out whether getting married was option—financially as much as anything else—and it was, so we did.
From the "other side" I can see that the current trend of postponing marriage is really, really stupid. Human bodies are supposed to get married in mid to late teens. We've got this idea that marriage is something you settle into when you've done all the exciting stuff and you're ready to be really bored for the rest of your life, but really it's just about having a best friend.
Karen: Did you always think you'd one day get married?
Ben: For some reason I did. Maybe it was just the norm that I saw around me and grew up with but it was something I always really wanted. I didn't think I'd get married so young, though. That was a surprise.
Karen: Describe what you thought your wife would be like.
Ben: This is a fairly esoteric question... I thought she would be quiet like me. Probably not very interesting or attractive and that I wouldn't be able to communicate with her very well. Pretty bleak picture but low expectations are rarely a bad thing I suppose.
Karen: What did you think marriage would be like before we got married?
Ben: I don't think I really had any idea. Sometimes I'd think of it as something really idyllic and sometimes I just thought of it in terms of the stereotypes of argument and nagging and feeling alone. I remember having a dream about getting married where I'd completely forgotten everything about the service and I was sitting at a campfire on the wedding night wondering who I'd got married to and then I realised she was sitting there next to me and she seemed pretty cool. Is this relevant? Probably not.
Karen: Has it turned out the way you expected?
Ben: It's more normal than I expected. Sitting around the house when you're married is much like sitting around the house when you're not married. It's certainly not something that makes all your problems go away but I think marriage has had a huge impact psychologically. There's a stability that comes from knowing that this person really loves you and the depression that I was having, while not disappearing completely, has become much less of an issue.
It's living with your best friend and beginning a life where you're only one half of a unit. You're forced to think of someone else when you come to make any decision and that's kind of fun because the best part about taking joy in things is sharing it with someone else.
Karen: Were there any surprises or things you didn't expect?
Ben: The psychological impact was unexpected. From the moment we got married—from the church onwards—I felt completely different. There was a sharp, instantaneous break with my single life. I had been experiencing a strange form of depression that used to really bother me but after we were married I realised that my feelings didn't matter as much as I thought they did (that was the result of sound Bible teaching also).
Karen: What do you like/dislike most about marriage?
Ben: Like: Having an intimate companion. Dislike: When there's tension or anger it's devastating. It's like any kind of pain: it forces you to react to the problem and do something about it—but it's not very pleasant.
Karen: Do you think marriage has changed you?
Ben: Yes.
Karen: Do you think you could have made better use of your years as a single person?
Ben: Sometimes I think about what I'd be doing if I was single and I usually imagine myself as an internet junkie sitting at home alone every night on the computer eating all the chocolate biscuits which is a very scary image for me. Actually that's not too far from reality sometimes but at least you're around too.
When we first got married I felt like I was going to lose some golden period of single adultness; I was going to miss out on years of being carefree before I had to grow up and do adult things. But then I realised that our society is extending adolescence because it is basically very selfish and doesn't want to have to answer to anyone. A lot more would have been expected of me if I was my age 100 years ago so there's no justification for putting off responsibility now.
Karen: Does our marriage live up to the image of marriage presented in the Bible?
Ben: Well if you mean the stories of marriage in the Bible, we don't look too bad on the surface. But I'm guessing you mean the ideal of marriage which is a symbol of the coming relationship that God will have with his people.
I don't think I love you wholeheartedly enough. I'm too frequently obsessed with the things I want to get done. I need to give myself up for you more. We're good friends though and I don't think there is any major issue that is preventing us from having a beautiful marriage. We just need to be diligent in the little things.
Karen: What do you look forward to in our marriage?
Ben: Growing even closer together and refining each other in godliness as we do so. It's a real challenge to stay committed and keep enjoying the one person while everyone around you is chopping and changing. Selfishness can easily destroy a marriage and we both need to remain conscious every day of ways we're being selfish and find practical ways to stop acting and thinking in that way.
I'm looking forward to looking back at all the things we've done together as best friends.
Karen: The Bible say there won't be any marriage in heaven. How do you feel about this?
Ben: Well if marriage is the picture of what's coming, the reality must be pretty good. If marriage on earth is about having a life-long, intimate friend, and God wants that kind of relationship with us, forever: wow; that should make us speechless.
Comments
Hey best friends do you ever, you know, get intimate? Don’t mean to pry but that’s one cool bit of marriage God seems to dig. It’s cool ja? Hrm. (I would put my name but this feels like such a child-ish comment that I won’t...)
Anyway thanks for the article, it’s great to have such an honest and personal look at the whole thing, especially from one likely to be caught up in similar hoo-haa in the future.
on 03 November, 2002 2:19 AM
Well… yeah. But this is the internet and all. You’re supposed to read it here:
“Like: Having an intimate companion.”
Ben on 03 November, 2002 2:27 PM