Attraction (Part 4)
Wednesday, 12 November, 2003
Attraction: How to get rid of it.
Why would you want to get rid of it? The spark is nice. The feeling of being in love is trippy.
Consider the personalities in my post on single-watching: Guy C (who is pursued by girls he doesn't want to go out with), Girl H (who no one is ever interested in), Guy I (who is constantly being rejected). If Guy C isn't interested, how do his pursuers cease their obsession? If Girl H develops a crush on someone who doesn't care, what does she do? If Guy I is turned down by the girl he likes, what then?
Pain, pain, pain. Attraction does not always end happily. When you have to get rid of it, how do you do it?
I can only think of two solutions:
- Fast forward to the disappointment stage (which, I've been told, occurs in any relationship) and you'll get over him/her pretty quickly once you've found out how sinful s/he is. Unfortunately this means finding out more about them which might make the attraction worse in the process.
- Do the opposite of the symptoms: don't spend time with him/her; don't spend time with him/her alone; avoid being physically located in the same place as him/her; don't think about him/her (this is hard!)—continually steer your thoughts away from him/her (unfortunately you might not be able to do anything about the dreams but hopefully they will disappear with time); don't get interested in the things that s/he is interested in; don't tell him/her things (intimate things) about yourself (even though you want to); and don't ask too many deep and personal questions about him/her.
Does anyone have any more suggestions?
Current:
seen: Moon 15/10/2009
read: The Incredibles 11/10/2009
seen: She's the Man 05/10/2009
read: I Kill Giants (Joe Kelly and J. M. Ken Niimura) 04/10/2009
read: Astro City The Dark Ages Book 1: Brothers and Other Strangers (Kurt Busiek, Brent Anderson and Alex Ross) 04/10/2009
seen: Children of Men 02/10/2009
seen: Metric (The Metro) 30/09/2009
seen: 500 Days of Summer 25/09/2009
seen: The September Issue 18/09/2009
seen: Gilmore Girls: Season 1 17/09/2009
read: Flight (Volume 1) (edited by Kazu Kibuishi) 16/09/2009
seen: Ponyo 11/09/2009
read: Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? (Neil Gaiman and Andy Kubert) 05/09/2009
heard: Aimee Mann (Enmore Theatre) 04/09/2009
heard: Ben Folds Solo (Opera House) 31/08/2009
read: Phonogram: Rue Britannia (Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie) 26/08/2009
seen: Northanger Abbey 20/08/2009
read: The Princess Diaries (Meg Cabot) 18/08/2009
seen: The Phantom of the Opera 17/08/2009
seen: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? 10/08/2009
seen: District 9 10/08/2009
read: Shortcomings (Adrian Tomine) 02/08/2009
read: AIR Volume 1: Letters from Lost Countries (Willow Wilson and M.K. Perker) 28/07/2009
seen: Persepolis 25/07/2009
seen: Ghost Town 25/07/2009
heard: Gutter Twins (Seymour Centre) 23/07/2009
seen: Coco Avant Chanel 20/07/2009
seen: Gutenberg! The Musical (Seymour Centre) 16/07/2009
seen: So You Think You Can Dance? Australia Live Tour (Sydney Entertainment Centre) 11/07/2009
seen: Every Little Step 07/07/2009
seen: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen 03/07/2009
seen: Synecdoche, New York 30/06/2009
seen: Charlie's Angels 27/06/2009
seen: Penelope 26/06/2009
seen: Coraline 10/06/2009
seen: The Sky Crawlers 08/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Ultimatum 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Supremacy 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Identity 06/06/2009
seen: Stick it 05/06/2009
Comment:
Congratulations again 
Don’t laminate your ultrasound picture That is my advice.
Congratulations! This is so fantastic!
Thanks so much for sharing all of this… people swap engagement stories but rarely pregnancy stories! And it’s kind of similar don’t you think, all this excitement leading up to a big day!
So happy for you guys! Actually never been more excited for anyone except my sister! I think it’s because I think that you will both be amazing parents and love the idea that someone could grow up in your family.
Looking forward to many more posts on the topic.
Lovely news, Karen.
Thanks everyone! I will be sure to ask for help when I need it!
Great pic!! Peanut is cute! :D
Praying for you all!
xx
:D
I had a similar sort of morning sickness.. except I threw up! I’m suitably impressed that you coped OS.. that must have been tough.
It sounds like you’re doing marvelously otherwise!
Book recommendation on something a bit less technical and a bit more human: ‘Birth’ http://www.birthnet.com.au/
Praise be to God indeed! Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Congratulations, Beilharzen! Welcome to the slightly-bewildering world of pregnancy (and birth...and children...). God has blessed you greatly with this new life. We’ll be praying for Peanut’s growth and development, and for you guys as you prepare.
I’m sure you’re surrounded by baby veterans, but always happy to help with books/advice/recommendations/listening.
B&L;
Excellent job Karen! You SHOULD be pleased with yourself!
Have you discovered http://www.ravelry.com ? It is an excellent site with thousands of free patterns in its database, lots of support, tips, forums etc and of course - friends like me? Look me up when you get there - fionag77
PS Are you just wearing a bulky dress or are you sporting a bump under that dress?
oooh.... It’s done and it looks great on you! xxx
Well done on all that hard work! It looks great and will be very snuggly come winter!
Thanks for letting me know, Timo!
Hi there,
Thanks for pointing out the shortcoming on our website. I’ll pass it on to my colleagues and hopefully it will be rectified soon.
The documentary at Fashioning Now was by Holly Kaye-Smith; I’d be more than happy to put you in touch with her if you’d like.
Again, thanks for the comment, much appreciate it!
Kind regards,
Timo Rissanen
Thanks Mark! Much appreciated!
Rich survey, Karen. Particularly I was struck by the notion of Jesus being clothed with our sins. I heard recently somebody suggest the crown of thorns was a kings crown but it was made of the symbol of the curse in the Garden - thorns. I would like to read your thoughts about Joseph’s coat of many colours.
Looking forward to the next installment. Regards,Mark
It is lovely - and looks great on you.
You’ve made me want to read it - though I may need an interpreter at times!
Well done with the sewing!
I think it looks good - very relaxed and spring-y.
Hey Sandra! Thanks for the tip! I read it yesterday, but I struggled a bit because Lewis doesn’t start from the Bible. I wasn’t convinced by his argument. What did you think?
Interesting post Karen - Thanks
I like the ending too! :D
xxx
Fantastic post, Karen. Just great. Thanks!
Thanks Bec! Eternal life just keeps getting better and better ...
I do like the way you ended this post - excellent thought.
Personally I don’t feel that way. Maybe that’s something you should blog about?
Wow. Lots of things to pick up on there. It’s been interesting to see the changes to your blog these last 6-12 months: Twitter is certainly more immediate, but are there (gasp) downsides to having its constant buzz in the ear?
Is our (already fractured) ability to concentrate on a single relationship at a time further jeapordised by the regular buzz of tweetdeck (and worse yet, by the imagined sense of loss that goes with being off the grid)?
Or am I just projecting my own fears?
Hi Karen!
If you’re still thinking about this… I just read CS Lewis’s essay “Learning in War-time” which exactly addresses this issue (ie. how can we justify cultural & aesthetic pursuits when people are going to hell around us?). Have you read it? i’d be interested to hear what you think..
(i have it in his little volume “Transposition and other Addresses”, but it’s easily findable online)
I’m doing my own series on the trials and tribulations of writing on my own blog here http://sedshed.blogspot.com/search/label/From%20Head%20to%20Hand
It’s coming along slowly
Coincidentily, I stumbled upon the above Phonogram vs. the Fans cover when digging around for ID concepts for Salt. A disturbingly brilliant image.
Thanks Karen. At the very least, this post gives some context to your myriad of phonogram tweets. At best, it has reinvigorated my stagnated appreciation of comics.
Seriously, though 4,549 words. Is that the best you can do? I say, longer!
Hey @RodeoClown! Yes, I neglected to mention Gillen writes about gaming. Guan said once he had the ideal job: writing, comics and games.
As far as I know, McKelvie doesn’t trace photos; he just draws (so talented ...)
You should give Phonogram a try. Be warned, though: series 1 is a little different to series 2—still clever but there are some things that are a bit strange in it if you’re not used to the fantastic.
Whoops, I stuffed up that link, sorry.
It was to Rock Paper Shotgun where he writes (he also has a standalone blog as well.
I didn’t know Gillen wrote comics until I saw the last phongram reference you made on here. It’s odd as I only knew of him as a videogame jounalist (which he is also really good at).
I read the sample issue of phonogram they have up at the Image comics (I think) site.
It looked pretty interesting - I like the subtlety involved in telling the story - the references aren’t all forciby thrust into your brain by the writer.
Do you know if the art is done by tracing photos or just dtawn?
I certainly don’t understand enough about pop music to really get that comic series, but I’m glad you’ve shared how you came to appreciate comics.
I’d say go and make some short comics. Seems like it will make the longer stuff easier to put together.
You’re right. I don’t really understand. But I do so love reading your writing. It’s like you’re speaking inside my head and excitedly telling me something.
Thanks Sarah! Feel free to share your own thoughts on the subject.
I’m a Christian, I’m a writer (well, I’m working on my first novel which is nearing completion) and I felt your post so PERFECTLY captured the dilemmas I’ve been thinking about.
KAREN!!!! it looks so amazing!!! i cant believe how beautiful it is. Everyone at work is just amazed at how talented you are. I’ll get in contact with you soon xx
I love it, Karen. You must teach me how to do this.
Blinks:
Vision therapy as a treatment for ADHD, learning disabilities and even autism. The scientific community's opinion. The results of concentrated therapy.
Kieron Gillen on Phonogram, Siege, Ares, Loki and his collaborative relationship with Jamie McKelvie.
Superheroes and how they have changed the way we see urban landscape. Their attraction to New York.
Kieron Gillen talking about Phonogram's run and the effect it had on its audience.
Guy Gavriel Kay's official website.
ESV in MP3 form: complete BIble is USD 30.00.
The hazards of noise for children because their ears are more sensitive.
Digital billboards: distracting for drivers or will the regulations keep them from becoming hazards? Do the benefits outweigh the disadvantages?
By William Poundstone. Sounds like an interesting book.
The future of shopping with mobile phones. Aggressive merchandising. Privacy issues.
|
|
Comments
Hey! There’s so many other ways to turn someone off! you’ve hardly scraped the surface!!!
I’m confused.
When you have to get rid of it? - its a very broad question… what circumstance? and on who’s behalf. Is it possible to have attraction on one side only in an actual relationship, with the other being realistic?
a lot of q2 is so much easier said than done. how to do it in a practical way is probably something that should be covered… or an alternative to make sure you don’t do it…
its one thing to say don’t spend time...but how do u exhibit that self control… or realise ur doing it too much.
and u have to firstly identify that u have symptoms too, cos if ur lost in a little world u might not realise your actions are the head over heels.
then again. i could be wrong.....
What do u think Karen?
How does the other partner act? Do they have a responsbility to help this diminish?
I don’t think that you necessarily have to tell the other person that you’re attracted to them; maybe it’s better that they don’t know.
But if you are attracted to someone (ie. you’ve got the symptoms) and that attraction is inappropriate (or unrealistic), what do you do? That’s my question.
I am not saying that this applies to people already in relationships.
Philip: do share!
I remember the first girl I liked/was attracted to turned me down...attraction, I think, generally fades when it isn’t reciprocated, though I can imagine circumstances when it can remain behind. I don’t know. I guess coping mechanisms can slowly attenuate the impact of those feelings?
Philip is on a winner.
For those that are the objects of attraction lets voyage into the fine art of “Untraction”.. Mmmmm… Where to begin???
Firstly lets start by appearing Physically undesirable. It’s very easy dont conform to the images forced down your throat by billboards and TV advetisments. Guys, dont cut your hair...Girls, shave you head..... Always, I repeat always, wear appropriately daggy clothes i.e Jeans...and the first T-Shirt that contacts your hand in the drawer, or even better from the floor, this will add the stench element...(this does sound amazingly superficial, but even in christian circles it will work). The Smell factor should keep those wouldbe attractees at bay… If not perhaps showering less and no scent masking(deoderant) to release the true smell of yourself.
Now manners...who needs them.. wipe your nose on your sleeve. Belch and flatulate in public. Reach across the table. Be the first out the door.
If anyone is still interested in you after all this. They are either highly insane or amazingly high quality as they have seen past your weak attempts of self preservation.
Ahh....
Time for MILO
In light of your previous post, Karen, I will meditate on how wrinkly and saggy they will ultimately become, until my attraction subsides.
Seriously, though, girls shouldn’t be ‘pursuing’ (Guy C in this case) anyway. They should be concentrating on their relationship with God, and waiting for the right guy to notice their character.
</dubious old-fashioned advice>
Oh God - I am the expert in un-returned attraction - one guy got married, another guy started dating someone else, another guy wrote me a letter, another guy wrote me an email, another guy started going out with my friend, and on, and on, and on....
Ah well :(
But really, I’m not feeling that sorry for myself, I’m just saying that the easiest way to get over it is when they do something to stop it completely (like date someone else)
Uh Deb - do you think girls must be so passive to just wait around until some guy notices them?
Why do you think there is something wrong with them ‘pursuing’ guy C? What if the guys don’t notice their character because the guys are ‘pursueing’ their relationship with God just as the girls don’t notice the guys character because they are ‘pursueing’ their relationship with God.
Do you understand what I mean? So whats wrong with the girls pursueing him?
Philip, the problem is that Guy C doesn’t want girls pursuing him; he isn’t interested in any of them and sometimes it’s just as awful being the one doing the rejecting as it is being the one who is rejected.
But the same thing happens with girls as well - theres a hot girl, so we chase her - there’s nothing wrong with that. The distribution of guys chasing girls isn’t that one guy chases one girl only. We often all go for the same one and she rejects lots of us.
Same for girls, they often all go for one guy only.
This is reality, get used to it. You can’t impose a someone “should-do” on this because people don’t reason about why they are attracted to someone. They just are and just do, thats nature. As awful as that is, thats just what happens.
And that’s why it’s a problem.
Its a problem with no solution, as you can’t do anything about it - so there’s no point worrying about it.
I don’t see it as wrong for the girls to pursue guy C, they must belive they have a chance so they are trying.
I don’t see anything wrong with them trying - they should try if they want guy C, maybe they are not cleaver enough to work out guy C isn’t interested so they deserve to be rejected, they will grow up and learn from it.
No one wants the nice guy, guy I, he’s the nice guy no-one wants, thats so common. The girls don’t want a nice guy, they want an exciting guy who will sweep them off their feet. If they wanted a nice guy he would be taken. He needs to learn how to be the exciting guy to sweep them off their feet and then turn into the nice guy afterwards when he’s got the one he wants.
I don’t know if it’s fair to generalise to all girls wanting an exciting guy to sweep them off their feet. I think the propensity in Christian circles is that Christian girls tend to be more mature than non-Christian girls (though that’s based on my own experience). There is a certain degree of individual difference to be considered.
That said, I agree that sometimes, the rejection is (in a utilitarian sense) preferable because it results in personal growth.
(t-minus 1hr to first psych exam)
I don’t want to post too frequently, but yes I am generalising - there are exceptions- but since I’m talking in a general sense, I’m talking about the average in people, we are also talking about the processes of Seduction and guys sweeping girls off their feet is one tactic in seducing the girl.
Philip - it’s got nothing to do with passivity, it’s the biblical model for womanhood. In the same way, submission is not passivity. Modesty, gentle and quiet spirit and all that.
Girls can avoid a lot of heartache this way.
Doesn’t mean that women shouldn’t pursue friendships with men, just not got chasing after them. I think that’s a bit ugly.
I heard this before and I think it’s true: Get a hobby!
More - If the guy doesn’t notice the girl’s character, he is clearly not worth worrying about, and not the man God has in store for her.
Chasing after Guy C will get them hurt, and so what if its ‘character-building’? People aren’t really that clever when they’re in love. Those girls are going to get hurt - and that’s bad, remember?!
Funny, all my girl friends want the nice guy.
(And I meant ‘go’ not ‘got’ above.)
Sorry I still see a strong disparity between what is your Christian ideal of what girls “should” do and what they actually do.
From my experience I’ve very rarely met girls thinking the way you suggest they should think. Most Aussie Christian girls don’t show “Modesty, gentle and quiet spirit and all that” and really don’t bother to spend the time to get to know a nice guy. They run around saying so and so is great isn’t he, then decide who’s popular and go after him.
So - I believe I’m talking about what people generally do, your talking about what they should do. I think there is a huge difference between what they should do and what they actually do.
For all practical purposes you have to live in the world of what they actually do and work with that.
For example if your a nice guy I and you look around and see girls chasing the popular guys, and the girls basically ignore you- what can you do? You can adapt to act like the popular guys or you can just keep on going about being ignored.
All your girlfriends probably say they want a nice guy but don’t go out with the nice guy right? Well that’s what I see most of the time.
Of course there’s a big disparity about what people do and what they should do.
But aren’t we talking about what they should do?
Hey, Karen—any motivation behind posting these thoughts beyond intellectual curiosity? Or does it link to your ‘couple-watching’ you mentioned a few posts back?
It both links to my previous post on “single-watching” and refers to extremely complicated personal motivations which only one or two people in the world are going to be able to understand. Unfortunately the latter is not for public consumption; boundaries have to be drawn somewhere in what the world is allowed to know and what it is not. Hope you understand.
Hmm I just reread what I wrote before amd it sounds a little rude. I meant, get a hobby in the sense that you find some new activity to do to get your mind off the previous attraction. Not get a hobby for this series. Sorry about my lack of clarity there! I really like reading the great stuff you have here Karen
Leave a comment
Comment moderation is currently on.
Please note: I reserve the right to delete all comments I deem unsuitable for this blog. These include defamatory comments, comments filled with nothing but swearing and, of course, spam.
If your comment contains more than two URLs, it will be blocked by my spam filter. Please split it over two comments.
Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.