Fill the well
Monday, 01 June, 2009
It's funny how the same lessons hit you over and over again, just in different ways. Recently I've been thinking about the things that drain you and the things that have a restorative effect on you. I know I've blogged about this before—specifically, in my post about MTS, and givers and takers. I guess it never occurred to me that that sort of thinking applies to ordinary life, not just ministry—although you'd think the application would be obvious. I mean, the same thing could be said about the stress cup (an image from 2005), although expressed in a slightly different metaphor: the more stressed you get, the more full your cup gets, and when your cup starts to overflow, then you're in trouble.
If I may, allow me to use the rather similar metaphor of the well to describe what I'm talking about. The well stands for your emotional, psychological and even physical energy. Various things will drain your well—work, relationships, stress, conflict, ministry. Various things will fill it. If the things that are draining it outweigh the things that are filling it, that's when you start getting in trouble. Everything seems harder, things going wrong are more upsetting, it's easier for you to get angry, and you may even feel suicidal.
It seems to me that one of my biggest problems at the moment is keeping the balance—making sure that the things that are filling the well are equal to or greater than the things that are draining it. I was thinking about my life at the moment, and why I'm finding this year harder than last year (and the year before, and the year before that), and I think this is why. Last year, I quite happily worked my four days a week, ran a household, blogged, wrote, knitted and did Faithful Writer things on the side. This year, it's all a lot more difficult, and I think the well thing is part of it.
I've noticed this among some of my friends, too. From what I know about their lives (keeping track of their day-to-day through social networks and the like), the things that are draining them are far outweighing the things that are restoring them. This means that they're far more stressed, anxious, tired and prone to depressive thoughts than other people I know.
Now, for some people, that's understandable when you consider the load they're carrying. There is only so much you can do about the volume in the stress cup, and certainly everybody's stress cups will have varying amounts of dregs at the bottom (dregs that are near-impossible to get rid of; you can minimise them, but you can't make them go away forever). I guess you need to ask God for wisdom to see your life realistically so that you can balance the draining things with restorative things—know when to say no—know how proactive you need to be to deliberately carve out R&R time. That's not an easy thing to do because, in a sense, no one (well, no one human; maybe divine) can truly know the answer to that question except for you.
So on Saturday at the end of the week when I was drained and tired, I stared to ask myself “What are the things that restore not just me, but people generally?” and “What can I do to increase these things so I don't end up the way I am now, with my well completely empty?” Here's the list I came up with (and I realise that some of these things may overlap with my R&R list). I hope you'll be able to help me add to it.
- Wasting time just doing nothing
- Sleeping
- Reading
- fiction (I find fiction way easier to read than non-fiction. I also love being immersed in a story.)
- comics (as above)
- The New York Times (I know I've said this before, but I love The New York Times! I spent Saturday going through their email newsletters from January—January!; that's how much I love The New York Times.)
- Watching television and DVDs
- Accomplishing things
- Satisfaction from a job well done
- Going out
- shopping (non-grocery, non-household; I love going to markets, I love poking around stores, I love visiting a new place and walking around, looking at things. It's not so much the buying stuff as looking at things—taking in the world, looking at objects, design and colours, seeing things from a different point of view. That said, I also experience some of the restorative effects of retail therapy.)
- seeing a movie (I love the cinema! I love the cinematic experience. I love the big screen, the big sound, the popcorn ... oh, the popcorn! I love Hoyt's bean bag cinema [the Half-Pipe]. I'm not as fond of the IMAX, but it does have its moments. I love trailers and scanning the credits and staying for the bit right at the end after the credits.)
- going to art exhibitions (again, it's the different way of seeing things—the opening up of your horizons by looking at the world through someone else's eyes.)
- going to the theatre see operas, musicals or ballets (I'm not so much into plays, though I have enjoyed them in my time. I guess, like movies and books, it's the whole thing about being transported and immersed)
- attending concerts (I've enjoyed more of these in recent years. If the concert is good and I love the performer, the whole thing is amazing. Sometimes concerts can be stressful though; I'm not too fond of the ones where you have to stand up, and the people around you are obnoxious. I love the ones in the Famous Spiegeltent.)
- attending festivals (see above).
- Making things
- knitting
- writing
- bookbinding
- Giving things to people (this can also be draining because there is a certain cost involved. But it's also hugely gratifying to give someone something they like—especially if you made it yourself. Isn't it lovely that generosity is the gift that gives twice!)
- Relating to other people and
- being appreciated
- being listened to and hard by them
- being understood by them
- being supported by them
- being cared for by them.
I haven't worked out the answer to the second question yet (“What can I do to increase these things?”) But anyway, what do you find restorative? What can you add to my list?
Current:
seen: Moon 15/10/2009
read: The Incredibles 11/10/2009
seen: She's the Man 05/10/2009
read: I Kill Giants (Joe Kelly and J. M. Ken Niimura) 04/10/2009
read: Astro City The Dark Ages Book 1: Brothers and Other Strangers (Kurt Busiek, Brent Anderson and Alex Ross) 04/10/2009
seen: Children of Men 02/10/2009
seen: Metric (The Metro) 30/09/2009
seen: 500 Days of Summer 25/09/2009
seen: The September Issue 18/09/2009
seen: Gilmore Girls: Season 1 17/09/2009
read: Flight (Volume 1) (edited by Kazu Kibuishi) 16/09/2009
seen: Ponyo 11/09/2009
read: Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? (Neil Gaiman and Andy Kubert) 05/09/2009
heard: Aimee Mann (Enmore Theatre) 04/09/2009
heard: Ben Folds Solo (Opera House) 31/08/2009
read: Phonogram: Rue Britannia (Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie) 26/08/2009
seen: Northanger Abbey 20/08/2009
read: The Princess Diaries (Meg Cabot) 18/08/2009
seen: The Phantom of the Opera 17/08/2009
seen: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? 10/08/2009
seen: District 9 10/08/2009
read: Shortcomings (Adrian Tomine) 02/08/2009
read: AIR Volume 1: Letters from Lost Countries (Willow Wilson and M.K. Perker) 28/07/2009
seen: Persepolis 25/07/2009
seen: Ghost Town 25/07/2009
heard: Gutter Twins (Seymour Centre) 23/07/2009
seen: Coco Avant Chanel 20/07/2009
seen: Gutenberg! The Musical (Seymour Centre) 16/07/2009
seen: So You Think You Can Dance? Australia Live Tour (Sydney Entertainment Centre) 11/07/2009
seen: Every Little Step 07/07/2009
seen: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen 03/07/2009
seen: Synecdoche, New York 30/06/2009
seen: Charlie's Angels 27/06/2009
seen: Penelope 26/06/2009
seen: Coraline 10/06/2009
seen: The Sky Crawlers 08/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Ultimatum 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Supremacy 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Identity 06/06/2009
seen: Stick it 05/06/2009
Comment:
@Sarah: Thanks for the tip RE Australian Breastfeeding Association! I never would have thought to look there. Ditto KMart: I was wondering if they did since Target don’t.
@Rae: Thanks for the tip! I’ll check it out.
@Little Rachel: Oh, I’ll definitely be up for visitors! I may not be very good company (brain-dead, etc.) but I’ll certainly appreciate visits!
@Rachel C: CONGRATS!!! So excited for you 
Yours sounds like a good philosophy. One day I shall have to blog about Outliers!
@CafeDave: Thanks for the tip!
@Elissa: Thanks for your kind words! It makes me happy that you and Dave were excited we were getting married! Thanks also for the prayers!
@Elsie: There are lots of other lovely things I could have said about you, but let’s not overload my readers, shall we? ;P
Aww...thanks for the lovely things you said about me! I enjoyed reading this post (as I do with all yours). xo
Congratulations to you both. I know you will be such wonderful parents. You sound WAY too sensible! 
(Sorry to read that there were some unusual comments made about your marriage! We thought it was exciting. We still have a lovely photo of you & Ben in our lovely box of special memories. (I was only 22 when married & I was 30 when we had Bonnie...)
Everyone is different! I nodded through your post. SO many people feel the curious need to share their “horror stories” which is just dreadful. I remember complaining to David who said - go find people who are positive & listen to them. Great advice, which I did. Those people still have a big place in my heart because their advice was honest & gentle.
Bless you & Ben & the little Peanut. We pray all goes smoothly over the coming weeks/months ahead. We sometimes forget what a precious little miracle life really is…
Another book from the dad’s perspective I found helpful was From here to paternity - it’s an Australian book, and was followed up with a blog.
Hi!
I’m so excited for you reading your blog about being pregnant I am 13 weeks pregnant with #2.
You’re so right about all the pessimism “advice” that you get. I got so mad about it but never found a good response. I’ve had such joy right from day one with E that I just don’t want to buy into the negativity (I’m sure kids pick up on it too!).
My philosophy was/is to be a relaxed mum and from that figure out what was best for my baby/child. Get advice when you’re not sure on things or want to know how other people approached things, read books (loved Outliers!) that aren’t all about parenting… but just enjoy.
In a sample size of one to date, I’ve had such a happy, chilled out son right from day one. People say all the craziest advice… glad you don’t do guilt
With love,
R
Thanks so much for writing more! I love hearing how you’re going and all your thoughts.
After watching my sister I agree with you that it seems the first six months are perhaps the hardest. She got quite lonely at home all day; weekends were all right because then her husband was around but it’s just as you say… one feed ends then the next begins! If you are accepting visitors during this period then I hope to use some RDOs to come have grown-up conversations!
The book review of The Second Nine Months makes me want to read it now!
Names: We have one girl name that we both like and no boy names that we agree on. But they are also top-secret… so if anyone else uses them we can’t accuse them of theft! 
Yay Peanut, keep on growing, can’t wait to meet you!
Hello! Thanks for sharing
I loved reading your pregnancy update! I am glad to hear that things are all going pretty well, and I hope the rest of your 2nd trimester is as good.
I just wanted to add, that some other blokes decided that there was not much for the fathers-t0-be, and made a couple of DVD’s just for expectant dads. They are called ‘Being Dad’and i think they are available at big W. I have both though, if you would like me to send them!
Just wanted to wish you all the best!
Love
Rae
re: gluten: no idea!! I didn’t have to go on that diet - it was probably related to the test I didn’t do.
At the risk of adding to your list of advice:
Re: maternity bras - because I’m big I had to look hard for something nice in my size and discovered the Australian Breastfeeding Association. They have a massive range online and most are (dare I say it) sexy.
Re: maternity clothes - Kmart have a nice range of basic stuff.. I only found out towards the end of pregnancy and I would have liked to know earlier!
Re: Parenting classes - if you’re at RPA you can just ring the midwives section (they’ll put you through) and ask directly.
Congratulations again
Don’t laminate your ultrasound picture That is my advice.
Congratulations! This is so fantastic!
Thanks so much for sharing all of this… people swap engagement stories but rarely pregnancy stories! And it’s kind of similar don’t you think, all this excitement leading up to a big day!
So happy for you guys! Actually never been more excited for anyone except my sister! I think it’s because I think that you will both be amazing parents and love the idea that someone could grow up in your family.
Looking forward to many more posts on the topic.
Lovely news, Karen.
Thanks everyone! I will be sure to ask for help when I need it!
Great pic!! Peanut is cute! :D
Praying for you all!
xx
:D
I had a similar sort of morning sickness.. except I threw up! I’m suitably impressed that you coped OS.. that must have been tough.
It sounds like you’re doing marvelously otherwise!
Book recommendation on something a bit less technical and a bit more human: ‘Birth’ http://www.birthnet.com.au/
Praise be to God indeed! Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Congratulations, Beilharzen! Welcome to the slightly-bewildering world of pregnancy (and birth...and children...). God has blessed you greatly with this new life. We’ll be praying for Peanut’s growth and development, and for you guys as you prepare.
I’m sure you’re surrounded by baby veterans, but always happy to help with books/advice/recommendations/listening.
B&L;
Excellent job Karen! You SHOULD be pleased with yourself!
Have you discovered http://www.ravelry.com ? It is an excellent site with thousands of free patterns in its database, lots of support, tips, forums etc and of course - friends like me? Look me up when you get there - fionag77
PS Are you just wearing a bulky dress or are you sporting a bump under that dress?
oooh.... It’s done and it looks great on you! xxx
Well done on all that hard work! It looks great and will be very snuggly come winter!
Thanks for letting me know, Timo!
Hi there,
Thanks for pointing out the shortcoming on our website. I’ll pass it on to my colleagues and hopefully it will be rectified soon.
The documentary at Fashioning Now was by Holly Kaye-Smith; I’d be more than happy to put you in touch with her if you’d like.
Again, thanks for the comment, much appreciate it!
Kind regards,
Timo Rissanen
Thanks Mark! Much appreciated!
Rich survey, Karen. Particularly I was struck by the notion of Jesus being clothed with our sins. I heard recently somebody suggest the crown of thorns was a kings crown but it was made of the symbol of the curse in the Garden - thorns. I would like to read your thoughts about Joseph’s coat of many colours.
Looking forward to the next installment. Regards,Mark
It is lovely - and looks great on you.
You’ve made me want to read it - though I may need an interpreter at times!
Well done with the sewing!
I think it looks good - very relaxed and spring-y.
Hey Sandra! Thanks for the tip! I read it yesterday, but I struggled a bit because Lewis doesn’t start from the Bible. I wasn’t convinced by his argument. What did you think?
Interesting post Karen - Thanks
I like the ending too! :D
xxx
Fantastic post, Karen. Just great. Thanks!
Thanks Bec! Eternal life just keeps getting better and better ...
I do like the way you ended this post - excellent thought.
Personally I don’t feel that way. Maybe that’s something you should blog about?
Wow. Lots of things to pick up on there. It’s been interesting to see the changes to your blog these last 6-12 months: Twitter is certainly more immediate, but are there (gasp) downsides to having its constant buzz in the ear?
Is our (already fractured) ability to concentrate on a single relationship at a time further jeapordised by the regular buzz of tweetdeck (and worse yet, by the imagined sense of loss that goes with being off the grid)?
Or am I just projecting my own fears?
Hi Karen!
If you’re still thinking about this… I just read CS Lewis’s essay “Learning in War-time” which exactly addresses this issue (ie. how can we justify cultural & aesthetic pursuits when people are going to hell around us?). Have you read it? i’d be interested to hear what you think..
(i have it in his little volume “Transposition and other Addresses”, but it’s easily findable online)
I’m doing my own series on the trials and tribulations of writing on my own blog here http://sedshed.blogspot.com/search/label/From%20Head%20to%20Hand
It’s coming along slowly
Coincidentily, I stumbled upon the above Phonogram vs. the Fans cover when digging around for ID concepts for Salt. A disturbingly brilliant image.
Thanks Karen. At the very least, this post gives some context to your myriad of phonogram tweets. At best, it has reinvigorated my stagnated appreciation of comics.
Seriously, though 4,549 words. Is that the best you can do? I say, longer!
Blinks:
Maybe discomfort is better for writing.
Showing her daughter that women are great by doing tours and walking in the footsteps of famous women. I like that this article is about engagement.
Jordan White, editor for Marvel, answers questions.
Jamie McKelvie answers questions.
Vision therapy as a treatment for ADHD, learning disabilities and even autism. The scientific community's opinion. The results of concentrated therapy.
Kieron Gillen on Phonogram, Siege, Ares, Loki and his collaborative relationship with Jamie McKelvie.
Superheroes and how they have changed the way we see urban landscape. Their attraction to New York.
Kieron Gillen talking about Phonogram's run and the effect it had on its audience.
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Comments
Hi gorgeous K, even though you blog less, you blog deeply when you do blog. I enjoy it.
And I think I’ll blog about what restores me, rather than writing a long comment. Hope that’s ok.
I second what George said!
And also I think singing is a good thing. Just putting on some music and singing at the top of your lungs, whether angry, sad, joyful, reflective, silly, funny or just mellow. It can really help deflect your mind off the grating feeling of hitting the bottom of the well (or wallowing in the dregs). I think I heard somewhere that singing releases endorphins too, so, you know, that helps…
I wonder if I should have included exercise and eating in the list.
I love shopping too. Its the whole looking at pretty and creative things, especially since I’m not very creative. Less about the buying, more about the immersing yourself in another world and going awwww! (Like all those second-hand retro shops in Newtown)
Yes - exercise, although it seems contradictory to relaxing, actually helps you to feel much better. More endorphins (was just saying to Guan today how if I make myself do yoga even when I don’t want to, I usually feel really good afterwards).
And eating a good, nourishing and tasty meal - especially when someone else has prepared it for you!
Showers too. And baths.
I think it’s really interesting that a lot of the activities that you’ve listed can be done by yourself and don’t need a group to make it work.
I’ve found that most people find introverts who need down time *alone* as rather odd. The ‘norm’ seems to be to wind-down and chill out in a group with all your friends (getting drunk etc.)
I’m just glad to see lots of individual activities listed. Group activities are never things that help me ‘restore my well’.
Karen,
the wise Bec has sent me a link to your blog. I hope you don’t mind, but it was such a light to me today to read this insightful post. Thank you for sharing your articulate observations.
I’d add greenery, gardening or sitting in a park, and watching or hearing the power of the ocean to my list of refueling ideas.
chinajackie xx
@Di: Good point! I’m an introvert so I tended to think of introverted things. I suppose the list would look a bit different for an extrovert.
@ChinaJackie: Welcome! Bec is indeed wise, and I’m glad you enjoyed my post!
Thankyou Karen!
After moving to Sydney I had various experiences of not coping, so I made a list of 5 things I plan to check next time I’m at a low ebb.
Food (esp getting enough iron)
Exercise
Sleep
Sunlight
Advice (talking to my Dad)
11 Days of No is very helpful too, if busyness is the cause.
Sitting in coffeeshops sketching passersby.
Playing games without rules - just pulling out the trivial pursuit cards and answering questions, or taking three storytelling elements cards and thinking of stories that use them.
having saturday morning free to myself is kind of important
found that otherwise I get grouchy.
- it means I get sleep
- it means I can enjoy something like breakfast.
- slowly do some chores, and do some vegging.
there’s no pressure to be anywhere. or necessarily do anything. bit of time out.
actually correct that - not necessarily free to myself can be with others… . but if something’s on, I have decided to participate in it on saturday morning by choice, not just cos it has to be done then!
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