/karen/

Helping those with depression

Sunday, 26 March, 2006

Last night I was on the phone for a long time with an old friend whose husband also has depression. I was appalled at how little support she was getting and it made me feverently wish that the general Christian populace was more educated about it. But then I know that I and her are part of that re-education process; through our lives other Christians will slowly start to understand what a terrible and debilitating disease depression is.

Peter Brain has some very good tips for helping friends who have depression:

• Don't think, “I can't do anything—I haven't had any training.” You don't have to be a psychologist to say, “I love you”.
• Don't think, “I don't have the time to get involved.” If seven people give 15 minutes per day each, that's a whole week of helping and caring covered.
• Don't say, “I'm here if you need me” or “let me know if we can help”. Some days it is impossibly difficult even to pick up the phone.
• Don't ask, “How are you?” in the church foyer or the shopping centre and expect a truthful answer—you probably won't get one, because of the fear of breaking down.
• Don't assume help is being given. “Everybody thought Somebody was doing it when Nobody was.”
• Be prepared to meet depressed people in their own home. They feel safe there and know that you really mean it when you say you want to help.
• Don't try to solve all their problems with good advice. There's time for that when they are well again.
• Don't be offended if they appear rude or angry. It is only an expression of the feelings inside them that have to come out somehow.
• Listen to what is being said. It will give the best indication of how you can help.
• Don't assume that because they are happy and positive one day they won't be suicidal the next. Highs are always followed by lows.
• Don't give up! If you do, they might too, because there is nothing worse than finding out that your friends AREN'T!

Peter Brain, Going the Distance, Matthias Media, 2004, p. 80.

The bit about expecting them to take the initiative is especially important. I am fortunate enough to have friends who have told me that I can ring them up at three in the morning if necessary but often I won't ring them because, as he says, sometimes it's “impossibly hard” and I have absolutely no motivation to do so. And sometimes I don't want to talk on the phone ... I don't really like talking on the phone (which may have been a by-product of MTS but I think it also stems back to my job in the Arts and Social Sciences student centre).

Obviously it's not an exhaustive list and there are a lot of “Don'ts” in it which isn't very helpful if you want to know what you can do. So I've come up with my own list:

• Send nice messages to let the person you know you have been thinking about them/praying for them/you appreciate them (SMS, email, cards in the mail ... who doesn't like getting something other than bills in the mail?!!).
• Cook meals for them and bring them around (meals that can be frozen are excellent). Organise a bunch of people to do that for them if you can as well. It never fails to impress me how people at college manage to organise several weeks' worth of meals for couples who have just had a baby, and if they can do it for them, why not for depressed people?
• Buy them groceries/fruit and vegetables. A couple of very nice people at church did that for us recently and I really appreciated it—especially the fresh stuff because it saved me having to drag myself out of the house to go to the shops, find a parking space and battle my way through aisles and aisles of shoppers (okay, you guys already know I am not that fond of grocery shopping).
• Offer to take care of general household chores for them. When we were in Wollongong, one of the senior staff members came and vacuumed our entire house for us because neither of us had the energy to do so and it really needed to be done. There are times when I am in a cleaning mood and one thing I'm quite good at doing is cleaning bathrooms (though I draw the line at toilets—really don't like cleaning those but I know some boys who do!) I was going to clean a friend's bathroom recently because she's pregnant and can't risk inhaling the chemicals but I think she was a bit embarrassed and didn't really want me to see it (not that I cared; a bathroom is a bathroom!)
• Take them out to do nice things—things that you know that they normally enjoy—sitting on the beach, going out for breakfast, going for a walk, watching a movie/DVD together. But don't ring up and say, “When are you free?” Take more of an initiative and say, “Are you free tonight? Do you want to go watch a movie together?” This gives them the choice to say no and they might but that takes less effort than trying to work out which night of the week is best to get together with someone, etc. etc. Over the last couple of weeks, people have said to me, “We'd love to see you guys when you are free,” but the reality of the situation is that we are never free and when we are, we normally try and rest during that time. Please don't ask me to look in my diary; it's a disaster zone.
• Give them vouchers for things. I had this great idea the other day that I could go buy a heap of those Greater Union movie tickets (I'm trying to work out whether it's cheaper to get them from Greater Union in those booklets or through MBF which used to cost only $10 per ticket). Then I could send them out to various people who I know love movies and need cheering up. The same thing can be done with restaurant vouchers (some places have restaurant vouchers) or the like. Little things are helpful to cheer people up.
• Encourage Christians who have depression with verses from the Bible. This may not be appropriate for some people but I know that I get the most encouragement from doctrine. Last year I remember being so down at college one day but it was the day that John Woodhouse gave an absolutely stunning lecture on the immanence, immutability and transcendence of God and I came away feeling very comforted.

On that last point, the verses that have been a great comfort to me are:

“And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” (Matthew 6:7-8)

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:25-34)

“I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” (Luke 12:4-7)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:18-39)

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:1-11)

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” (Revelation 21:1-8)

Update (9:44 p.m.): Thought of one more thing. Take your friend away for a holiday—a weekend away or a week-long thing. You probably know people who own holiday houses which aren't being used when it's term time. Ask if you can use it for a weekend and then take your friend away with you and give them the freedom to eat and sleep and do whatever they want—you'll take care of all the cooking and whatever. Just to give them a break and help them get away. I think this would be especially valuable for my friend with the depressed husband; how I'd love to be able to take her away for a while to recharge the batteries. And somehow provide for him while she was away too ...

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