/karen/

Over it

Wednesday, 29 September, 2004

I think I am getting over my situational depression.. I think I understand the reason for it too. On Club 5 weekend, Phillip Jensen came up to have a chat with me which was awfully nice of him. Ever since he moved to the cathedral, he's been working with my mother-in-law and she keeps him informed about me and Ben. Anyways, since last year at Club 5 I was a crying mess when I talked to him, I guess he wanted to find out how things were going and how I'd been keeping. We got talking about next year and about college and he expressed concern about how Ben would do at Moore which is fair enough. But then I started getting a little worried about whether or not Moore would take us—even though I know Phillip has nothing to do with the selection process. My worries intensified when I heard on this same weekend that a friend of ours had been knocked back from Moore because of her health. So as a result I worried all week—not because I think Moore is the golden carrot and the sole goal my life but because I was worried about how Ben would take it. He had already told me after the weekend that he felt sad because he wants to go into full-time paid vocational ministry but, because of depression, he can't. I just wondered how he'd cope if Moore said no and then I started thinking about how unfair it was that my lovely husband has this perfectly good and right desire and yet does not have the capability to carry it out and what was God doing anyway—oops! must trust God on this one; God is always in control—oh bother, I'm just a little heretic, aren't I. Well, that's not completely why I was depressed but that's the main reason. I was down all week and frequently in tears. I just wanted to give up. I was sick of being strong. I'd had enough. Go away! But then Ben said off-hand at Bible study on Thursday that he didn't mind if we got into Moore or not—that it wasn't such a big deal—and even though he was still disappointed about not being able to do full-time ministry, he knew there were other things we could do. I started to feel better—not instantly, mind you, but gradually. I think I was pretty much myself by Sunday evening, though the sympathy of certain people at church was a bit too much to bear at times. I'm not feeling as sad now. It's nice when these things pass.

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