/karen/

Silencio

Thursday, 01 December, 2005

Sorry for the long silence—I've been quite down emotionally, I'm not sleeping very well (got into bed at midnight, was awake until 2, got up and played The New Tetris [college friends have lent us their Nintendo while they're on holidays] until I got sick of it, climbed back into bed, couldn't sleep, brain was going crazy, started praying, fell asleep at about 4:30 am) and I thought it was probably necessary to stay away from the blogging thing for a while. But I wanted to finish off my series on the exams, etc. so I might do that a bit later.

Today was quite a nice day despite my fatigue. I got up at about 8, moaned to Ben about how unfit I was to drive a car, given the amount of sleep I'd had, but I had a breakfast date at Miranda Fair with Beckles so I braved the reverse rush hour traffic and kept myself awake by listening to Counting Crows and continuously sucking on Butter Menthols (I went through four from Stanmore to Miranda). Ben told me once that you can't possibly fall asleep if you have something in your mouth but I'm not sure that's necessarily true because surely babies do it and I think I have before too but I can't remember specifics. But it worked because I arrived there fairly incident-free (nearly ran a red light at Rockdale but stopped just in time) and, as I was early, I did a bit of Christmas shopping because I just discovered that Miranda had converted half the space that was Lincraft into JB Hifi (what joy!) I got Ben an anniversary present there which is heaps exciting but I can't blog about it since he reads this.

Unfortunately in the days since I worked at Miranda Fair, most things have changed. Miss Maud's has now been replaced by Rubynik's and the breakfast menu is pretty boring and nowhere near as diverse as Phuze Cafe in Newtown (which gives you $6 breakfasts!!! How good is that!) I wanted mushy (ie. mushroom) toast but it wasn't on the menu. But I asked for it and they made it for me anyway. It was lovely catching up with Beckles since I hadn't seen her since she moved to Wagga and now she's moving to Queensland to be with her hubby who's in the army so it is increasingly unlikely that I will get to see her more. So sad!

After breakfast, we wandered around the Fair and I completed my Christmas shopping, feeling very proud since it is the 1st of December and it's ALL DONE and half of it is even wrapped! I do not think Ben appreciates the magnitude of such an accomplishment but then he has never had to take care of such things and cater to both halves of our extended family.

I had to go back home because Ben and I had a lunch date (codename: Chongsong = play on Evensong and Steve wanting to start his own church). I hopped in the car again, sucking on Butter Menthols and listening to Coldplay and managed to drive home without crashing. Pretty much as soon as I arrived, we had to leave again and we drove in circles around Erskineville/Newtown, trying to find the place. Steve and Naomi's house is lovely and I love the crimson feature wall in their lounge room. There were four little ones running around—the offspring of other members of Ben's male chaplaincy group. Wives were there too. We had a very yummy lunch together, featuring a delicious pea/bacon/cashew salad (I know, sounds weird but it was great!) It was also kind of sad that half the group were going away—one family off to Fairy Meadow, another family off to Queensland (everyone is going to Queensland ... *sigh* ...)

In the late afternoon we said farewell and then drove home. Ben dropped me off and he went on to FEVA staff meeting. Because Steve had the Les Miserables song book on his piano, it put me in the mood for it so I got my copy out and started playing and singing through it. Amazing how I can still remember all the words after so many years. I was about to start doing email stuff when Ben arrived home and said we have to go so we drove south (again) to his parents' place, me falling asleep in the car.

Lizz has finished her HSC (yay!!!) and Cathy showed us formal photos. They had big news concerning Tim's change in occupation for next year (now two sons are in ministry!) and raved about the maple syrup we brought them back from Canada (we had it with waffles and vanilla ice cream). Cathy was telling us about her father and how he died; there's an account of the accident in a book on planes in Papua New Guinea. It was very sad; lots of “what ifs”. He had chosen to go at just the last minute and the pilot was a youngster with little experience. Such an unnecessary waste.

Anyways, I think I have narrowed down my reasons for being sad:

1. I am tired and need to rest after a long hard year;
2. I am worried about work/income for December and next year. I had my Centrelink phone interview for the second time yesterday and I don't even know if, after going through this entire obstacle course, I will even get Newstart for December. I don't want to even think about job-hunting for the 1 day a week next year but I know I ought to be sensible and I should. I called the Moore College library to see if they had anything but at the moment they just have full-time-carrying-books-up-and-down-stairs sort of jobs and they will only call me if they need to fill in the gaps in their personnel. Perhaps I should be more proactive but see 1. I need to worry less and think more about the sparrows and the lilies of the field;
3. I am going through a period of great change and part of me is mourning what I have just lost. I loved college even though it was hard and all my relationships there are going to be changing now that I'm no longer there a heap of people who used to be there will no longer be there either. Change always means stress and this year I scored 289 on the Stress-O-Meter which says, “Psychologists regard 300 points as being the breaking point for the average person. Eighty per cent of people with scores of over 300 and 53 per cent with scores between 150 and 300 are likely to suffer some form of stress-related illness.” Yay me;
4. Ben and I both got sick post-exams and we are not the only ones. I think the body just limps along as best it can until it can collapse into an exhausted heap and let itself be ill. That and the change in the weather has probably made things worse. Oh and I blame all of this year's maladies on the air conditioning in DBK; Tony was telling me the other day that they have done studies where people whose body temperature is lower are more likely to get sick;
5. I was worried about Ben but I am less worried about Ben now and he handled the exams very well and seems to be coping better than I am with stuff;
6. My friend is now no longer talking to me. I suspect the reason why but she hasn't actually come out and said why. She has also given me no opportunity to reconcile. I sent her a card which I imagine she tore up and threw into the trash. I suppose there is nothing else I can do and I should let it go and stop fretting about it. But it is hard to do that knowing that someone you like and who you want to like you now no longer likes you and doesn't even want to know you and it is hard when I keep having dreams where she and I are friends again and I wake up and am smacked in the face with reality;
7. I think I stress too much about my job at MM and whether or not I'm any good at what I do there—more on the writing side than the editing side. I think part of me just desperately wants to impress Tony and gets disappointed when I show myself to be very unimpressive. Very stupid, really; the goal of working at MM is not to be impressive but to serve others through the ministry of writing;
8. Ben is going away without me. He'll be in Canberra for NTE from Friday to next Wednesday. I decided not to go to NTE. I didn't want to lead a strand group (which is what Ben is doing—he is leading Strand 2 with Pete) and to just go to the convention means paying around $300 so I thought I should just stay home and rest. Unfortunately I will car-less. Then the following week Ben goes to Narrabri to visit his best man with Brendan. They are going to read Calvin's Institutes on the train. I think it's good for him to go because he hasn't seen his best man in quite a long time. I thought I'd have a billet for the FEVA mission but it turns out I don't so I will enjoy my own company for that week and try not to do too much.

Ben thinks that I ought to go see a GP and see if I have depression and maybe go on medication. He doesn't think my depression is situational but that I've always had a depressive mentality. I am not so sure and I am also not sure that going to a GP is going to help because he/she will just ask me about things like sleep, diet, exercise, emotions and whether they have persisted beyond two weeks. I think they have probably persisted beyond two weeks but it is hard to separate them from the situational aspect of being under a lot of stress during the exam period. I want to monitor how I go for the next two weeks and then think about seeing a GP next year. I definitely want to go back to counselling so I'm going to talk to Keith Condie about who to go see. Starting up with a new counsellor is so hard though and there is always the perennial problem of the costs involved but I figure it's better than doing nothing and I think I do have issues I need to work on. I want next year to be the year of Reducing Stress but I think in order for that to happen, I need to work on doing it myself.

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