The Ending that Must Not Be Named
Monday, 27 August, 2007
Having three days of nothingness over the weekend was sublime: I knitted, I watched Buffy, I walked to Newtown and back (to buy more 3.25 mm double pointed needles to replace the ones that were eaten by the couch), and I finally got a chance to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows which I thought was a fitting end to the series (even if Rowling did kill off one of my favourite characters).
I realised today how much I envy Harry. I don't envy the fact that he's an orphan and that his parents were murdered, or that he had to live with his nasty relatives who didn't think he was worth anything and who made him sleep in the cupboard under the stair. I'm envious of the close friendship he has with Ron and Hermione—that they were prepared to go anywhere with him, even if it was to face the Dark Lord. I'm envious of the people in Harry's life who loved him and stepped in to act as mother figures (e.g. Molly Weasley) and father figures (e.g. Arthur Weasley, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and, of course, Albus Dumbledore). I'm envious of the fact that people cared about Harry so much, they were willing to die for him. Some even did.
I have a question I'm not quite sure how to phrase it, or even if it's the right question that encapsulates what I want to ask. It has to do with the role of emotions in relation to the Christian life. It has to do with relationships with others. It has to do with how I feel about myself—where my sense of wellbeing comes from—where happiness lies. If I were to stretch the cup metaphor a little, imagine that your sense of ... wellbeing (for want of a better word) is like a cup. The cup is filled when certain things happen: when someone speaks your love language (e.g. if you're a “Words of affirmation” person [which I am], someone says something nice to you, or if you're a “Receiving gifts” sort of person [which I am as well], someone gives you something nice [even if it's only on Facebook]), when you do something that makes you feel happy (e.g. go to an awesome concert), and when you get quality recharge time (and depending on whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, you may do this with others or by yourself). The cup is probably partially filled already with things like good self-image and self-esteem, and fulfilling relationships with certain people. It becomes drained when things go wrong, when things happen that make you feel bad about yourself, when you're tired and cranky, and so on.
But what if you don't already have good self-image and self-esteem, and truly fulfilling relationships with others, and what if the frequency in which people speak to you in your love language is fairly low from day-to-day? All you have left is R & R. And there's only so much R & R you can fit into one week. So your cup is continually low. You feel continually low.
There seems to be something wrong with this scenario because the way you feel about yourself shouldn't rely on what others do. If other people are not fulfilling their relational obligations to you—if they're being terrible friends—then that's their problem, and they probably have issues of their own that they need to deal with. It feels a little selfish to demand things of them, and anyway it cheapens the whole thing because, once you demand it, you feel like the other person is only giving in to your demands to please you and not because they want to do it because they love you.
I guess you then start to wonder whether people do actually love you the way Ron, Hermione, the Weasleys, etc. loved Harry. And then you remember God the Father who loved you so much, he sent his Son into the world to die on your behalf so that you could become part of his family. And you wonder whether you're backsliding because it doesn't feel like enough.
But should it feel enough? We Sydney evangelicals don't want emotion to shape doctrine. Faith persists despite emotions. It's just I don't understand where the emotions fit in. I know that there are appropriate and inappropriate emotions. My grandmother died, and it's right and healthy for me to feel sad about that. I just don't know where the rest of them fit in.
Current:
seen: Moon 15/10/2009
read: The Incredibles 11/10/2009
seen: She's the Man 05/10/2009
read: I Kill Giants (Joe Kelly and J. M. Ken Niimura) 04/10/2009
read: Astro City The Dark Ages Book 1: Brothers and Other Strangers (Kurt Busiek, Brent Anderson and Alex Ross) 04/10/2009
seen: Children of Men 02/10/2009
seen: Metric (The Metro) 30/09/2009
seen: 500 Days of Summer 25/09/2009
seen: The September Issue 18/09/2009
seen: Gilmore Girls: Season 1 17/09/2009
read: Flight (Volume 1) (edited by Kazu Kibuishi) 16/09/2009
seen: Ponyo 11/09/2009
read: Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? (Neil Gaiman and Andy Kubert) 05/09/2009
heard: Aimee Mann (Enmore Theatre) 04/09/2009
heard: Ben Folds Solo (Opera House) 31/08/2009
read: Phonogram: Rue Britannia (Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie) 26/08/2009
seen: Northanger Abbey 20/08/2009
read: The Princess Diaries (Meg Cabot) 18/08/2009
seen: The Phantom of the Opera 17/08/2009
seen: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? 10/08/2009
seen: District 9 10/08/2009
read: Shortcomings (Adrian Tomine) 02/08/2009
read: AIR Volume 1: Letters from Lost Countries (Willow Wilson and M.K. Perker) 28/07/2009
seen: Persepolis 25/07/2009
seen: Ghost Town 25/07/2009
heard: Gutter Twins (Seymour Centre) 23/07/2009
seen: Coco Avant Chanel 20/07/2009
seen: Gutenberg! The Musical (Seymour Centre) 16/07/2009
seen: So You Think You Can Dance? Australia Live Tour (Sydney Entertainment Centre) 11/07/2009
seen: Every Little Step 07/07/2009
seen: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen 03/07/2009
seen: Synecdoche, New York 30/06/2009
seen: Charlie's Angels 27/06/2009
seen: Penelope 26/06/2009
seen: Coraline 10/06/2009
seen: The Sky Crawlers 08/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Ultimatum 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Supremacy 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Identity 06/06/2009
seen: Stick it 05/06/2009
Comment:
I don’t think it’s exclusively the change of temperature: young babies like to be cuddled up (or wrapped in a blanket or similar) as they adjust to being on the outside after so long being wrapped up on the inside.
Oh yeah, it makes perfect sense that babies would cry if you put them in a cold bed! I totally never thought of that!
I love your posts, they are so fascinating! :D
Oh Jess! There are so many good things about Sydney 
Looks like really nice adventures! I don’t really think of Sydney as a place to explore.. hmm.. you have opened my mind up to The Staycation.
I get depressed at the adrenaline crash also because then I have time to think about how shitty everything is lol.
Hmm...food for thought indeed. V. interesting, thank you for posting
lol! Karen, you’re so frank and I love it. “the non-constipating kind” of iron pills. hahaha.
i know how hard it is to not tell people the sex of your baby. I am tempted to tell strangers or acquaintances what you’re having because, as Ben reasoned with the waiter, I’ll either never see them again or it’s not like their going to tell anyone of consequence.
Thanks Kathleen! Glad you’re finding them interesting!
These posts are fascinating, Karen, and I’m happy/sad for you.
Hey Little! One of the things that astounds me is that people all over the world give birth everyday in different circumstances, and they seem to get through it. Maybe all the bells and whistles of the western world are simply that—bells and whistles, and things we do to make ourselves feel better about such a painful and momentous occurrence. I’m sure Mongolia has its own ways of looking after their expectant mums!
Great post, Karen.
As I said to you last Friday: the Toturo thing is gorgeous!
Thanks for posting about the changing relationships between friends. I’ve been struggling to come to terms with my best friend’s relationship with her boyfriend and the loss I feel. It’s been 18mths now, but I guess it’s taking longer for me to deal with because he’s not something we talk about and I don’t often see them together. However, it’s still known. It’s good to know I’m not alone or going crazy or whatever.
Also, thanks for the updates on Peanut. Can’t wait to meet him/her!
I think that your child will one day be thankful that they can read about what their mother was thinking. They won’t have to wonder if you’ve forgotten anything or just telling the good things! I think the positives are more believable when accompanied by the negatives, that’s just more realistic.
The PGP sounds really hard! Also not something that people talk about, so is it hard to get understanding from people when you need to go a little slower? Though perhaps they just expect that of pregnant women… gah, there are so many steps at MM! :(
I worry about the money stuff too… though I guess in Mongolia maybe they won’t do all those medical things so I won’t have to pay for them! 
Keep blogging! You know I’m fascinated. ;p
Thanks Miriam! That’s good to know!
Hi Karen,
Thanks for the long update. It sounds like you are experiencing very common emotions (high and low) of first-time expectant mothers.
In answer to your question about breastfeeding in 5mins - that’s pretty common. In the first few weeks as both you and baby are learning how to feed (it takes a while to get the hang of it)feeding takes a little while (about an hour for me and Alex). This was actually a blessing for me as it meant I could sit and rest for that period of time, 5 or 6 times a day! Lovely, especially as it was such a tiring time of my life, with all the adjusting that comes with the birth of a child.
The milk flow can be quite fast to begin with(often too fast for baby!) and it means they take in too much and then need to be burped, which all takes time. After awhile though your breasts will adjust and regulate themselves as they work out how much milk is needed. THey are amazing the way they work. They actually feel quite soft and empty after a few weeks and lots of new mums worry that they don’t hvae enough milk, but it is very normal, and just means your body has regulated the amount of milk it makes.
Check out the Australian Breastfeeding Association webpage - it is full of excellent information. I would recommend joining the association - you receive a magazine every 2 months, which is filled with wonderful articles. I found it very helpful (and still do after 3 years of feeding). A great bit of reading to have in your hands while sitting down to feed. You also receive an excellent book “Breastfeeding....naturally” which answers just about any question you may have about breastfeeding. I read it many many times!
Mim
Congratulations again - and it is very interesting to hear what happens!
@Sarah: Thanks for the tip RE Australian Breastfeeding Association! I never would have thought to look there. Ditto KMart: I was wondering if they did since Target don’t.
@Rae: Thanks for the tip! I’ll check it out.
@Little Rachel: Oh, I’ll definitely be up for visitors! I may not be very good company (brain-dead, etc.) but I’ll certainly appreciate visits!
@Rachel C: CONGRATS!!! So excited for you Yours sounds like a good philosophy. One day I shall have to blog about Outliers!
@CafeDave: Thanks for the tip!
@Elissa: Thanks for your kind words! It makes me happy that you and Dave were excited we were getting married! Thanks also for the prayers!
@Elsie: There are lots of other lovely things I could have said about you, but let’s not overload my readers, shall we? ;P
Aww...thanks for the lovely things you said about me! I enjoyed reading this post (as I do with all yours). xo
Congratulations to you both. I know you will be such wonderful parents. You sound WAY too sensible! 
(Sorry to read that there were some unusual comments made about your marriage! We thought it was exciting. We still have a lovely photo of you & Ben in our lovely box of special memories. (I was only 22 when married & I was 30 when we had Bonnie...)
Everyone is different! I nodded through your post. SO many people feel the curious need to share their “horror stories” which is just dreadful. I remember complaining to David who said - go find people who are positive & listen to them. Great advice, which I did. Those people still have a big place in my heart because their advice was honest & gentle.
Bless you & Ben & the little Peanut. We pray all goes smoothly over the coming weeks/months ahead. We sometimes forget what a precious little miracle life really is…
Another book from the dad’s perspective I found helpful was From here to paternity - it’s an Australian book, and was followed up with a blog.
Hi!
I’m so excited for you reading your blog about being pregnant I am 13 weeks pregnant with #2.
You’re so right about all the pessimism “advice” that you get. I got so mad about it but never found a good response. I’ve had such joy right from day one with E that I just don’t want to buy into the negativity (I’m sure kids pick up on it too!).
My philosophy was/is to be a relaxed mum and from that figure out what was best for my baby/child. Get advice when you’re not sure on things or want to know how other people approached things, read books (loved Outliers!) that aren’t all about parenting… but just enjoy.
In a sample size of one to date, I’ve had such a happy, chilled out son right from day one. People say all the craziest advice… glad you don’t do guilt
With love,
R
Thanks so much for writing more! I love hearing how you’re going and all your thoughts.
After watching my sister I agree with you that it seems the first six months are perhaps the hardest. She got quite lonely at home all day; weekends were all right because then her husband was around but it’s just as you say… one feed ends then the next begins! If you are accepting visitors during this period then I hope to use some RDOs to come have grown-up conversations!
The book review of The Second Nine Months makes me want to read it now!
Names: We have one girl name that we both like and no boy names that we agree on. But they are also top-secret… so if anyone else uses them we can’t accuse them of theft! 
Yay Peanut, keep on growing, can’t wait to meet you!
Hello! Thanks for sharing
I loved reading your pregnancy update! I am glad to hear that things are all going pretty well, and I hope the rest of your 2nd trimester is as good.
I just wanted to add, that some other blokes decided that there was not much for the fathers-t0-be, and made a couple of DVD’s just for expectant dads. They are called ‘Being Dad’and i think they are available at big W. I have both though, if you would like me to send them!
Just wanted to wish you all the best!
Love
Rae
re: gluten: no idea!! I didn’t have to go on that diet - it was probably related to the test I didn’t do.
At the risk of adding to your list of advice:
Re: maternity bras - because I’m big I had to look hard for something nice in my size and discovered the Australian Breastfeeding Association. They have a massive range online and most are (dare I say it) sexy.
Re: maternity clothes - Kmart have a nice range of basic stuff.. I only found out towards the end of pregnancy and I would have liked to know earlier!
Re: Parenting classes - if you’re at RPA you can just ring the midwives section (they’ll put you through) and ask directly.
Congratulations again
Don’t laminate your ultrasound picture That is my advice.
Congratulations! This is so fantastic!
Thanks so much for sharing all of this… people swap engagement stories but rarely pregnancy stories! And it’s kind of similar don’t you think, all this excitement leading up to a big day!
So happy for you guys! Actually never been more excited for anyone except my sister! I think it’s because I think that you will both be amazing parents and love the idea that someone could grow up in your family.
Looking forward to many more posts on the topic.
Lovely news, Karen.
Thanks everyone! I will be sure to ask for help when I need it!
Great pic!! Peanut is cute! :D
Praying for you all!
xx
:D
I had a similar sort of morning sickness.. except I threw up! I’m suitably impressed that you coped OS.. that must have been tough.
It sounds like you’re doing marvelously otherwise!
Book recommendation on something a bit less technical and a bit more human: ‘Birth’ http://www.birthnet.com.au/
Praise be to God indeed! Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Congratulations, Beilharzen! Welcome to the slightly-bewildering world of pregnancy (and birth...and children...). God has blessed you greatly with this new life. We’ll be praying for Peanut’s growth and development, and for you guys as you prepare.
I’m sure you’re surrounded by baby veterans, but always happy to help with books/advice/recommendations/listening.
B&L;
Excellent job Karen! You SHOULD be pleased with yourself!
Have you discovered http://www.ravelry.com ? It is an excellent site with thousands of free patterns in its database, lots of support, tips, forums etc and of course - friends like me? Look me up when you get there - fionag77
PS Are you just wearing a bulky dress or are you sporting a bump under that dress?
oooh.... It’s done and it looks great on you! xxx
Well done on all that hard work! It looks great and will be very snuggly come winter!
Thanks for letting me know, Timo!
Hi there,
Thanks for pointing out the shortcoming on our website. I’ll pass it on to my colleagues and hopefully it will be rectified soon.
The documentary at Fashioning Now was by Holly Kaye-Smith; I’d be more than happy to put you in touch with her if you’d like.
Again, thanks for the comment, much appreciate it!
Kind regards,
Timo Rissanen
Thanks Mark! Much appreciated!
Blinks:
Via WhipUp. Easy: takes 5 min.
Jamie S Rich's advice on how to break into comics.
Via Mike Hyam. Parenting advice: how to raise your children in the Lord as a father.
Cheaper than a nursing home and they allow the elderly to stay in their own homes. Plus their children have peace of mind, knowing whether or not their parent has gotten out of bed, eaten, etc. But there are privacy concerns with such surveillance, and resistance from some of the elderly. Some love it though.
Via Luke Stevens. Father put photos of his baby son online 10 years ago and now finds out that the photo has spawned a Japanese meme.
Andy Schmidt's advice to artists and writers on how to break into comics.
Changing nightmares into dreams through therapy--particularly for PTSD patients.
Students sharing dorm rooms are increasingly bad at communicating with one another face-to-face and dealing with conflict. University administrators have spent more time trying to get them to negotiate and work things out. The parents are now more involved as well. Administrators changing procedures to get the students to own the process.
Via George. On empathy, men and women, the importance of empathy, empathy vs sympathy, and the effect the internet has on our relationships.
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Comments
Having recently re-read HP5+6, it seems to me that Harry may well have similar self-esteem issues, because he never stops to appreciate how much the people around him love him.
He gets angry instead, which is an entirely natural adolescent response.
I’ve heard it said that the difference between evangelicals and, says, charistmatics is this:
Evangelical:
Fact --> Faith --> Feeling
where as most people are here:
Feeling --> Faith --> Fact
That is to say, as Christians, we need to bring about correct emotions in ourselves as we preach the gospel to ourselves over and over. So my emotional response in times of hardships is not (should not be) despair, but longsuffering trust… and if it’s not, I need to remind myself and remind myself and remind myself.
We are sinful people. Our minds are sinful and or emotions are sinful. Both can be very misleading.
There’s a very helpful talk by Grimmo which you can probably lay your hands on, because it’s at MM… I think it’s on Worship, MYC from several years ago… Purple cover, talk 3.
I read through that comment wondering who this incredibly wise person was.. and guess who!
Amen to the above… and a *hug*
I personally always wanted to sleep in the cupboard under the stairs. In fact, in hide and seek it was my favourite hiding place.
A quote I’ve been holding onto recently is
“Some people mistake intimacy with God’s people with intimacy with God.”
It is encouraging to know that he is carrying and supporting us at any given time.
Also, no matter how well, or how poorly, you’re relating to your Christian brothers and sisters, your relationship with God is held by loving spiritual bonds, stronger than any handshake. You have plenty of friends who would gladly take on the Dark lord with, or for, you. (Especially if the challenge was issued in Wollongong…)
Do you remember the fad in the early 90’s of drinking that weird mushroom secretion?
You’d get a Mushroom(kinda looked like a pancake) and over a week or so it would release juices into the jug below, thus filling up the jug and the health nut would drink from it’s sweet nectar.
There must be something which fills up our cups much like the refilling power of the mushroom. I tend to think, and continually remind myself; that this has to do with a trust in the good things God has promised us, his spirit feels up our joy till up cup runneth over…. that and an unswerving reassurance that everyone is not out to get me…(even if they really are). The later tends to be holding more sway of late, thus the holding onto the above quote…
For the record, the coolest thing Harry has going on is the flying broom and the whole teleporting thing. You could visit friends so quickly and easily…
I wish I didn’t feel the emptiness you describe but I do.
And I think what you say is quite wise regarding the cup. There’s actually a very strong metaphor using stress and coping and filling up a cup which I’ve seen here in the Counselling Service.
Anyway, I am glad you enjoyed #7. I thought it was great. I need to blog. But I need to go to drumming too. Will see if I can blog now.
xxxooo
hi!
well my comment would be that it’s easy to let our interlect suppress our emotions. (Especially if you are academically inclined!) but if we don’t acknowledge our emotions then we end up being controlled by then - and they end up influencing us - People aren’t as rational as we would like to think!
Let God be the God of your emotions as well as your mind. When times are tough it’s my emotional conviction that Jesus is Lord that keeps me going - not my interlectual one. Remember that the gospel is for everyone (including interlectually disabled people and children as well as adults) not just those who “understand” the gospel with their minds. Don’t underestimate the holy spirit!!
maybe this doesn’t make much sense to you but hopefully it will help!
love and virtual hugs!!
Alison 8-)
Hmm,
Ok, a few bits and pieces…
“There seems to be something wrong with this scenario because the way you feel about yourself shouldn’t rely on what others do.”
Ok, in a perfect world, yes indeed. But I don’t think I have EVER met a person for whom this was not the case to some extent.
I know that I as a person am not capable of ignoring the cue’s I get from others. I am, from time to time, paranoid that people dislike me intensely, unless I see positive reinforcement. That said, I think this is a much more major problem for me, than it is for the standard person, but it is a problem that everyone shares. We cannot completely separate our feeling about our selves from the cue’s that others give us.
I wonder if this comes down to us being relational beings. We need relationships to survive. We to some extent, are DEFINED by our relationships. With god, and with each other.
(Sorry, I’ve ended up on a big tangent… ) O.K., so getting back to your point, I think the fact that we are inherently relational, requires that some of our recharging come from relationships. I don’t think its wrong, but i do think it can be problematic at times, if there is a problem either in our perceptions, or in our friends behavior.
I don’t think we can ever DEMAND to be “refilled” by our friends, but this should happen naturally as part of ANY healthy relationship.
I think that to some extent emotions DO shape doctrine (here comes the heresy) God’s emotions, Love, Wrath, A desire for justice, are KEY in any understanding of the bibles teaching. Emotions are PART of gods character, and by implication ours.
We should not be using an emotional reaction as a justification for how we should behave or live, but there is nothing wrong with using them in light of the bibles teaching, as god intended them to be used.
You use the analogy of the glass, to describe these situations, let me put my own interpretation on to it, when people give us these negative situations, and experiences, when we feel cranky, it puts a small pinprick in the glass.. water begins to seep out. Positive experiences and feelings can patch these pinpricks, but negative ones force them further open. The water begins to gush out. The trick is to recognize and cultivate these positive situations, to make sure that we are patching holes faster than we are making them.
I think that people like me suffer here. I have such high (unattainable) expectations of myself, that I am always disappointed in what I have achieved. And even though I expect far less from others, the expectations are still un-meatably high. consequently, I am often disappointed, pinpricking my glass over and over again. and thus I am constantly patching leaks.
I don’t know where I am going with this, its getting quite rambely.. I guess to get back to your final point, we are relational beings, and so much of what hapenes in our lives that matters, relies on relations with others. I think that any view of how we should live, of what we are, of what god wants from us, needs to take emotion, relationships, feelings into account, but not superceeding the bible. Complimenting it. Feeling are a part of how we lived our lives, a filter through which we examine them, and a part of the content of what the bible says.
I love reading what you write.
Thanks for your thoughts, guys! Haoran, I’ve borrowed out those talks. I’ll think further on what you’ve all written.
Like someone else said (Georgina?) I know what you mean, and I wish I didn’t feel this way too. Thanks for putting it into words (it does make sense and it was clear).
I’ve been reading a book called “How to fight for Joy” by John Piper. I’m only a few chapters in, but it certainly seems related.
I think emotions are important in the Christian life, but they need to complement rather than guide.
Gibbo talked a bit about it in a devotion he did for us during greek week - it was great stuff and worth hearing more (I think he did his phd on the subject)
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