The problem of romance
Tuesday, 29 April, 2003
I'm thinking through the issue of romance. I mean “romance” in its contemporary sense—romance as in chick flicks (Ever After, When Harry Met Sally and Bridget Jones's Diary), fairy tales (Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast and The Seven Swans), Jane Austen, William Shakespeare, candlelit dinners, walks along the beach at sunset, serenades by moonlight and surprise notes that say, “I love you”.
Here's what I've been thinking about:
On the one hand, I'm reading about Irene's struggles to break an addiction to romance novels. I'm finding her entries heaps encouraging as she brings this area of sin under the lordship of Jesus.
On the other hand, I am evaluating one of my own habits which has to do with self-control and the mind. I can be quite restless and am always trying to find something to occupy my brain—especially during those moments before sleep when you're just lying there with your eyes closed, trying to drift off but often not quite succeeding. I tend to make up stories and plot them along in my head, often picking up where I left off the last time or going back and revising what I previously “wrote”. The stories are usually quite formulaic and they involve a boy and a girl and the aim is to get them to fall in love with each other and marry. All sorts of other variables come into play; he might be a prince and she might be a servant; they both might be students at a fencing school; she might be a vagabond that he happens to run into while travelling. The setting is usually not realistic but the stuff of fairy tales—castles, mountains, forests, rivers—but magic isn't part of the landscape. I am aware that there are dangers in this sort of occupation but sometimes I think I can avoid them. I'm not sure if the practice is something that I should be giving up altogether.
On the other other hand, I have just finished reading The Single Issue (also known as Singles at the Crossroads) by Al Hsu which has a chapter called “Rethinking Romance”. He writes,
We must ... recognize that the concept of romantic love is a relatively late development in history. One scholar writes, ‘The idea of romantic love itself should be recognized as a late, rare, and morally dubious product of Western society, which in many cases does more to destroy marriages than to preserve them.’ Clapp agrees:
It is only since the Middle Ages that romantic love has been prized as an ideal, the sine qua non for marriage and the fully vital human life. Marriage in history has more typically been arranged between families than chosen merely by a man and a woman ‘in love’. In fact, in most of Western history the sweeping intensity, confusion and absorption of what we have come to know as romantic love was considered a misfortune.
For example, while modern-day readers might see Romeo and Juliet as the epitome of romantic love stories, we ought to remember that Shakespeare classified the play not as a romance but as a tragedy. He titled it The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. The story does not glorify the wonder of romantic love. Instead it depicts its dangers. Two starry-eyed teenagers fall in love and kill themselves because of it. The conclusion of the matter is, ‘For never was a story of more woe/Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.’ This is no romantic fairytale of ‘happily ever after’. Shakespeare was not depicting the beauty of romantic love but rather the emotional dangers of being in love too much. Romeo and Juliet shows how romantic love, when taken to an extreme, can cause destruction and tragedy.
Hsu goes on to talk about three different stories in the Bible that “illustrate the dangers of romantic love”: Samson and Delilah (Judges 16), David and Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11), and Amnon and Tamar (2 Samuel 13). Then he states,
We must refuse to accept the idolatry of romantic love. When love songs on the radio proclaim ‘You're all I need,’ we must rebuke that statement as misleading and untrue. We are multi-faceted, complex beings, and no one person can ever meet al our psychological, emotional, intellectual and social expectations or needs. It is simply impossible ...
Even later on in the same chapter, he says,
While pornography may tend to be a typically male temptation, a female equivalent could be called ‘emotional pornography’. What visual pictures of scantily clad women do for men, romantic novels and soap operas can do for women. Both can be just as unhealthy. ‘The romantic image of the damsel swept off her feet by the white knight is no more realistic than the pornographic image of the inexperienced prude turned sex-crazed woman by a macho man.’ An addiction to romantic novels can be just as destructive as addiction to visual forms of pornography, consuming time and money and masking emotional pain or the lack of a real love relationship.
Al Hsu, The Single Issue, Inter-Varsity Press, 1997, p. 158-9, 160, 172-3.
Whoa, that's very strong language! But is it really fair to put Cinderella on the same level as Playboy? Is watching Bridget Jones's Diary just as destructive as watching Confessions of a Sadomasochist? I did what I usually do when I can't work something out or just want to think aloud—I talked to Ben. We had a very strange conversation and, according to my flawed memory, it went something like this:
Karen: Do you think that it's bad to watch romantic movies like Bridget Jones's Diary and Serendipity?
Ben: It's unhelpful.
Karen: Why?
Ben: Because they make people think that love is all about how you feel so you should find someone who makes you feel good. It's a lie.
Karen: So ... what about romance in marriage? Is there a place for it?
Ben: In marriage, it's not romance. It's “delight”. Delighting in the other person.
Karen: So ... is there a place for doing romantic things in marriage? Like walking along the beach at sunset or giving surprise gifts?
Ben: Only if it's for the purposes of delight.
Karen: What do you mean?
Ben: If you're doing it to enjoy the other person, then it's for delight.
Later on I asked Ben if he thought that romantic movies were a form of “emotional pornography” for women. He said he'd have to think about it.
I guess what I am really wanting to know is
- Is romance bad? In "Christian Romance Novels—confessions of an ex-reader", Louise Jonker says that there are two problems with the romance genre: a) they give you unrealistic expectations about relationships and romance and b) they make the wedding your idol and encourage you to see the wedding as your “primary goal” in life. She writes, “Just once I'd like to read one that starts post-wedding, and deals with the real grit of staying married, or about a girl who decided to stay single (1 Cor 7:25-26). It seems that people are pretty good at getting together—the thing we need help with is staying together.” She does have a point; it is awful to think of life as being fun up until and during the wedding, but then, afterwards, it's no fun anymore. I don't want to be part of society's ethos which seems to regard marriage as being largely unattractive (nagging wives, boarish husbands, years and years of endless tedium).
- If romance is bad, what should I be doing about it? It's no secret that I'm fond of the genre. I don't have an addiction to romance novels (which I regard as trash and badly-written—the greatest crime ever!) but I do like reading books and watching films with romantic plot elements. If you take a look at my favourite things, you'll see that one of my favourite movies is When Harry Met Sally and one of my favourite books is Beauty by Robin McKinley (of which I own three copies). If romance is bad, should I eliminate these things from my life? Should I never watch another romantic comedy ever again? Should I burn or give away my books? Should I stop plotting such stories in my head?
What do you think?
Update: Irene has written some good points in response to my post. I'm still thinking ...
Current:
seen: Moon 15/10/2009
read: The Incredibles 11/10/2009
seen: She's the Man 05/10/2009
read: I Kill Giants (Joe Kelly and J. M. Ken Niimura) 04/10/2009
read: Astro City The Dark Ages Book 1: Brothers and Other Strangers (Kurt Busiek, Brent Anderson and Alex Ross) 04/10/2009
seen: Children of Men 02/10/2009
seen: Metric (The Metro) 30/09/2009
seen: 500 Days of Summer 25/09/2009
seen: The September Issue 18/09/2009
seen: Gilmore Girls: Season 1 17/09/2009
read: Flight (Volume 1) (edited by Kazu Kibuishi) 16/09/2009
seen: Ponyo 11/09/2009
read: Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? (Neil Gaiman and Andy Kubert) 05/09/2009
heard: Aimee Mann (Enmore Theatre) 04/09/2009
heard: Ben Folds Solo (Opera House) 31/08/2009
read: Phonogram: Rue Britannia (Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie) 26/08/2009
seen: Northanger Abbey 20/08/2009
read: The Princess Diaries (Meg Cabot) 18/08/2009
seen: The Phantom of the Opera 17/08/2009
seen: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? 10/08/2009
seen: District 9 10/08/2009
read: Shortcomings (Adrian Tomine) 02/08/2009
read: AIR Volume 1: Letters from Lost Countries (Willow Wilson and M.K. Perker) 28/07/2009
seen: Persepolis 25/07/2009
seen: Ghost Town 25/07/2009
heard: Gutter Twins (Seymour Centre) 23/07/2009
seen: Coco Avant Chanel 20/07/2009
seen: Gutenberg! The Musical (Seymour Centre) 16/07/2009
seen: So You Think You Can Dance? Australia Live Tour (Sydney Entertainment Centre) 11/07/2009
seen: Every Little Step 07/07/2009
seen: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen 03/07/2009
seen: Synecdoche, New York 30/06/2009
seen: Charlie's Angels 27/06/2009
seen: Penelope 26/06/2009
seen: Coraline 10/06/2009
seen: The Sky Crawlers 08/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Ultimatum 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Supremacy 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Identity 06/06/2009
seen: Stick it 05/06/2009
Comment:
@Sarah: Thanks for the tip RE Australian Breastfeeding Association! I never would have thought to look there. Ditto KMart: I was wondering if they did since Target don’t.
@Rae: Thanks for the tip! I’ll check it out.
@Little Rachel: Oh, I’ll definitely be up for visitors! I may not be very good company (brain-dead, etc.) but I’ll certainly appreciate visits!
@Rachel C: CONGRATS!!! So excited for you 
Yours sounds like a good philosophy. One day I shall have to blog about Outliers!
@CafeDave: Thanks for the tip!
@Elissa: Thanks for your kind words! It makes me happy that you and Dave were excited we were getting married! Thanks also for the prayers!
@Elsie: There are lots of other lovely things I could have said about you, but let’s not overload my readers, shall we? ;P
Aww...thanks for the lovely things you said about me! I enjoyed reading this post (as I do with all yours). xo
Congratulations to you both. I know you will be such wonderful parents. You sound WAY too sensible! 
(Sorry to read that there were some unusual comments made about your marriage! We thought it was exciting. We still have a lovely photo of you & Ben in our lovely box of special memories. (I was only 22 when married & I was 30 when we had Bonnie...)
Everyone is different! I nodded through your post. SO many people feel the curious need to share their “horror stories” which is just dreadful. I remember complaining to David who said - go find people who are positive & listen to them. Great advice, which I did. Those people still have a big place in my heart because their advice was honest & gentle.
Bless you & Ben & the little Peanut. We pray all goes smoothly over the coming weeks/months ahead. We sometimes forget what a precious little miracle life really is…
Another book from the dad’s perspective I found helpful was From here to paternity - it’s an Australian book, and was followed up with a blog.
Hi!
I’m so excited for you reading your blog about being pregnant I am 13 weeks pregnant with #2.
You’re so right about all the pessimism “advice” that you get. I got so mad about it but never found a good response. I’ve had such joy right from day one with E that I just don’t want to buy into the negativity (I’m sure kids pick up on it too!).
My philosophy was/is to be a relaxed mum and from that figure out what was best for my baby/child. Get advice when you’re not sure on things or want to know how other people approached things, read books (loved Outliers!) that aren’t all about parenting… but just enjoy.
In a sample size of one to date, I’ve had such a happy, chilled out son right from day one. People say all the craziest advice… glad you don’t do guilt
With love,
R
Thanks so much for writing more! I love hearing how you’re going and all your thoughts.
After watching my sister I agree with you that it seems the first six months are perhaps the hardest. She got quite lonely at home all day; weekends were all right because then her husband was around but it’s just as you say… one feed ends then the next begins! If you are accepting visitors during this period then I hope to use some RDOs to come have grown-up conversations!
The book review of The Second Nine Months makes me want to read it now!
Names: We have one girl name that we both like and no boy names that we agree on. But they are also top-secret… so if anyone else uses them we can’t accuse them of theft! 
Yay Peanut, keep on growing, can’t wait to meet you!
Hello! Thanks for sharing
I loved reading your pregnancy update! I am glad to hear that things are all going pretty well, and I hope the rest of your 2nd trimester is as good.
I just wanted to add, that some other blokes decided that there was not much for the fathers-t0-be, and made a couple of DVD’s just for expectant dads. They are called ‘Being Dad’and i think they are available at big W. I have both though, if you would like me to send them!
Just wanted to wish you all the best!
Love
Rae
re: gluten: no idea!! I didn’t have to go on that diet - it was probably related to the test I didn’t do.
At the risk of adding to your list of advice:
Re: maternity bras - because I’m big I had to look hard for something nice in my size and discovered the Australian Breastfeeding Association. They have a massive range online and most are (dare I say it) sexy.
Re: maternity clothes - Kmart have a nice range of basic stuff.. I only found out towards the end of pregnancy and I would have liked to know earlier!
Re: Parenting classes - if you’re at RPA you can just ring the midwives section (they’ll put you through) and ask directly.
Congratulations again
Don’t laminate your ultrasound picture That is my advice.
Congratulations! This is so fantastic!
Thanks so much for sharing all of this… people swap engagement stories but rarely pregnancy stories! And it’s kind of similar don’t you think, all this excitement leading up to a big day!
So happy for you guys! Actually never been more excited for anyone except my sister! I think it’s because I think that you will both be amazing parents and love the idea that someone could grow up in your family.
Looking forward to many more posts on the topic.
Lovely news, Karen.
Thanks everyone! I will be sure to ask for help when I need it!
Great pic!! Peanut is cute! :D
Praying for you all!
xx
:D
I had a similar sort of morning sickness.. except I threw up! I’m suitably impressed that you coped OS.. that must have been tough.
It sounds like you’re doing marvelously otherwise!
Book recommendation on something a bit less technical and a bit more human: ‘Birth’ http://www.birthnet.com.au/
Praise be to God indeed! Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Congratulations, Beilharzen! Welcome to the slightly-bewildering world of pregnancy (and birth...and children...). God has blessed you greatly with this new life. We’ll be praying for Peanut’s growth and development, and for you guys as you prepare.
I’m sure you’re surrounded by baby veterans, but always happy to help with books/advice/recommendations/listening.
B&L;
Excellent job Karen! You SHOULD be pleased with yourself!
Have you discovered http://www.ravelry.com ? It is an excellent site with thousands of free patterns in its database, lots of support, tips, forums etc and of course - friends like me? Look me up when you get there - fionag77
PS Are you just wearing a bulky dress or are you sporting a bump under that dress?
oooh.... It’s done and it looks great on you! xxx
Well done on all that hard work! It looks great and will be very snuggly come winter!
Thanks for letting me know, Timo!
Hi there,
Thanks for pointing out the shortcoming on our website. I’ll pass it on to my colleagues and hopefully it will be rectified soon.
The documentary at Fashioning Now was by Holly Kaye-Smith; I’d be more than happy to put you in touch with her if you’d like.
Again, thanks for the comment, much appreciate it!
Kind regards,
Timo Rissanen
Thanks Mark! Much appreciated!
Rich survey, Karen. Particularly I was struck by the notion of Jesus being clothed with our sins. I heard recently somebody suggest the crown of thorns was a kings crown but it was made of the symbol of the curse in the Garden - thorns. I would like to read your thoughts about Joseph’s coat of many colours.
Looking forward to the next installment. Regards,Mark
It is lovely - and looks great on you.
You’ve made me want to read it - though I may need an interpreter at times!
Well done with the sewing!
I think it looks good - very relaxed and spring-y.
Hey Sandra! Thanks for the tip! I read it yesterday, but I struggled a bit because Lewis doesn’t start from the Bible. I wasn’t convinced by his argument. What did you think?
Interesting post Karen - Thanks
I like the ending too! :D
xxx
Fantastic post, Karen. Just great. Thanks!
Thanks Bec! Eternal life just keeps getting better and better ...
I do like the way you ended this post - excellent thought.
Personally I don’t feel that way. Maybe that’s something you should blog about?
Wow. Lots of things to pick up on there. It’s been interesting to see the changes to your blog these last 6-12 months: Twitter is certainly more immediate, but are there (gasp) downsides to having its constant buzz in the ear?
Is our (already fractured) ability to concentrate on a single relationship at a time further jeapordised by the regular buzz of tweetdeck (and worse yet, by the imagined sense of loss that goes with being off the grid)?
Or am I just projecting my own fears?
Hi Karen!
If you’re still thinking about this… I just read CS Lewis’s essay “Learning in War-time” which exactly addresses this issue (ie. how can we justify cultural & aesthetic pursuits when people are going to hell around us?). Have you read it? i’d be interested to hear what you think..
(i have it in his little volume “Transposition and other Addresses”, but it’s easily findable online)
I’m doing my own series on the trials and tribulations of writing on my own blog here http://sedshed.blogspot.com/search/label/From%20Head%20to%20Hand
It’s coming along slowly
Coincidentily, I stumbled upon the above Phonogram vs. the Fans cover when digging around for ID concepts for Salt. A disturbingly brilliant image.
Thanks Karen. At the very least, this post gives some context to your myriad of phonogram tweets. At best, it has reinvigorated my stagnated appreciation of comics.
Seriously, though 4,549 words. Is that the best you can do? I say, longer!
Blinks:
Why non-religious parents are starting to home school their children. Problems with American public schools. New models for education that will work (instead of just rote learning and teaching things to kids earlier).
Maybe discomfort is better for writing.
Showing her daughter that women are great by doing tours and walking in the footsteps of famous women. I like that this article is about engagement.
Jordan White, editor for Marvel, answers questions.
Jamie McKelvie answers questions.
Vision therapy as a treatment for ADHD, learning disabilities and even autism. The scientific community's opinion. The results of concentrated therapy.
Kieron Gillen on Phonogram, Siege, Ares, Loki and his collaborative relationship with Jamie McKelvie.
Superheroes and how they have changed the way we see urban landscape. Their attraction to New York.
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Comments
Karen, this is something I’ve been thinking about, myself. About how we’ve actually taken love and made it into a feeling, that when deciding whether this is the guy for me I would probably start analysing my feelings and looking out for the “floaty feeling”, the quickened heartbeat, the butterflies in the stomach, and if they aren’t there, I would probably conclude that I’m not in love with him. Is romance bad? - Are those feelings bad? No, I don’t think so. But I also don’t think that I should hold out for such feelings or even expect them; they shouldn’t be my focus. And likewise, IMHO romance shouldn’t ever be our primary focus, either.
I know I probably focus too much on romance, esp. after reading so many romance books and all. I don’t know how it is for you - you’re married and I’m sure you’ve got some REAL romance going on
- so it may not be such an attraction/distraction for you.
I blogged about this today.
I agree with most of what you said. The distinction between “delight” and “romance” is a good one, one I have never noted, and one I hope I will draw out of my “discourse hat” for a long time to come. It sounds like the Ben guy has read John Piper’s Desiring God or something like it.
Some of us males have quite a bit of trouble with idealizing the romantic relationship, too. I know I have idealized far too many women in my day. I’m not proud to admit it. Just be aware that the lines are blurry across the sexes. I think my trouble with the idealization of certain women and the fact that I’ve invented so many “ideal futures” has made more damage than my past troubles with pornography ever did.
But be careful. “Romantic love” is not the enemy. It is easy to say that it’s a bad thing and that “delight” is better, but are we using the term “delight” just to rationalize love? I think many of us who like to err on the side of conservatism and say that all “romantic” relationships are bad, and that’s unhealthy. We must be careful not to deify our minds in the light of our emotional incapabilities. If one says “I must beware my emotions and desire for romance,” they deify their mind in the place of those emotions. The key is not to let our minds or emotions become our Gods.
Romantic love is just as evil as the person who changes definitions to cover-up the fact that they are not comfortable with their emotions. We must not be overtaken by either our emotions or by our minds, but must be overcome by God. It’s a delicate way of living. And when we are focussed on God, romance (whatever it is) and reason should both fall into a fhealthy space.
Our culture is also not entirely evil. Just because we get married for romantic love now and we didn’t do that before doesn’t mean that it was better before. There is no use in idealizing the past in light of the failures today. Our cultural systems of “dating” and courting are perfectly fine; what really matters is where the participants in such practices stand with God.
Am I making any sense? I dunno.
I think I’m going to go to bed and idealize my future, now.
Since when was it possible for two people to rationally start a relationship without Romance?
Did one say, “you seem like a Godly person that I like, I am being unselfish and wish to kiss you - can I kiss you ( Yes / No / Abort )” please select. And who ever says yes to that. It doesn’t work even close to that.
Please tell me a story of a relationship starting and building without desire and romance, otherwise we are talking about fantasy.
How can love develop if it does not make you feel good, it start that way and ends up in love. You don’t fall into the state of love without the of romance and the internal change of biological state.
And if we agree that it exists, that it is a word that classifies a state of emotion shared between people then writing about that word or reading about that would should be allowed. It cannot be unhelpful to discuss something that is real and out there and is a shared experience of many people. That is something that Christianity needs to embrace, otherwise others who are non-Christian will not understand the fantasy ideals of Christian Love.
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