The Problem of Romance (continued)
Thursday, 08 May, 2003
I'm still thinking. Bear with me.
The Definition of Romance
What do we mean when we talk about “romance”? What do we mean when we call something “romantic”?
I could consult a dictionary but I don't think it's useful. The problem is, words change according to how people use them. The word used to refer to a literary genre characterised by “strange and exciting adventures of chivalrous heroes” but that's not how we use it in reference to romantic comedies and romance novels. It can also refer to “a love affair, especially an intense and happy but short-lived affair involving young people” but that's not what we mean when we talk about romance in marriage.
In an article called, "Perspective On Romance", Bob Narinda rejects all the dictionary definitions and looks “inward” to come up with his own: “Romance,” he says, “[is] the act of making your partner feel loved.” Lorelei at lovermermaid.com agrees: “I think a good definition of romance is something that brings a couple closer together and more in love.” The Romance Writers of America also put out their own: “[A] romance is a book wherein the love story is the main focus of the novel, and the end of the book is emotionally satisfying.” Interestingly, they rule out movies like Titanic and Bridges of Madison County as being “true” romances because they do not end satisfactorily. Jennifer Crusie, romance writer and member of the RWA committee, says,
Romance novels end in a way that makes the reader feel good ... Romance novels are based on the idea of an innate emotional justice—the notion that good people in the world are rewarded and evil people are punished. In a romance, the lovers who risk and struggle for each other and their relationship are rewarded with emotional justice and unconditional love.
I think I see a common theme emerging.
Romance versus love
If I may be bold and come up with my own definition, I would say that the modern concept of “romance” is all about feelings. How he makes me feel, how she makes me feel, how being together makes us feel. Feeling in love. Feeling good. Feeling pain because we want to be together but can't. Feeling awed because I love him so much. Feeling special because he loves me so much. Making him feel special because I think he's special. Butterflies in the stomach, warm fuzzies, weak knees, heart palpitations, being swept away ... I think romance is primarily about how it makes us feel.
Love, on the other hand, is completely different. “Love” and “romance” are sometimes used interchangeably but I think this is a mistake and I want to make the distinction clear. Love is a verb. Love is an action. You choose to love or you choose not to love. In the Anglican prayer book—the version that we use in Australia anyway—one part of the vows reads, “Will you love her/him?” The answer is, of course, “I will.” When you get married, you are promising to love this person every day of your life together. This sounds deceptively easy and straightforward but it's not. When you wake up in the morning, you must choose to love him or not love him. When you are doing the laundry, you must choose to love him or not love him. When he is struggling with sin, you must choose to love him or not love him. Marriage brings out the best and the worst of a man and a woman and, in the midst of revelation of how sinful your spouse can be, you must choose to love or not to love. Your love is not conditional on who he is or what he is like. Your love is not conditional on what he does or what he doesn't do. Your love is a conscious deliberate choice. A “calm logical decision” ... a decision with the head rather than the heart as Irene describes it in her excerpts of Elisabeth Elliot's Quest For Love. In short, we must love the way God loves.
I think Irene is right in saying, “I think the whole concept of ‘falling in love’ (as the books describe it) is a very ‘me-centred’ thing, and very focussed on feelings—those nebulous, transient things.” Romance is selfish; love is unselfish. Romance is transitory; love is permanent. Romance will fade; love lasts forever.
Perhaps I am just playing with semantics (you tell me!) I do think, labels aside, that there is a definite distinction though. And this leads me to talk about a couple of things about romance that have been bothering me.
Romantic myths
The Soulmate
According to this site, 94% of Americans age 20-29 believe in the concept of a soulmate. “What is a soulmate?” you ask. Nina Lee Braden asks the same question. She identifies three main types: 1) the “twin” or “counterpart” or “other half”; 2) the companion or lover who helps you achieve a goal, 3) the karmic teacher who comes into your life to teach you an important lesson. I think most people are talking about the first type when they talk about soulmates.
In Christian circles, this idea seems logical. God is sovereign of the whole world and he knows what has happened and what will happen. God is also looking out for his children. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28). Therefore, because God is in control, God knows if I will marry and if I will stay single. If I will marry, God knows who I will marry. God may even have planned it for me. God knows what I need and what's best for me. God will provide me with a soulmate.
The soulmate thing isn't backed up by the Bible. Rarely does God tell people who they should marry. Sure, he gave signs that Rebekah was the one when Abraham's servant was going to look for a wife for Isaac in Genesis 24, but apart from that story, I can't think of any others where God is saying, “Yes, I have someone in mind for you.” Though Hosea is told to go marry a prostitute, he's never told which one he should marry. God leaves it up to him and he chooses Gomer.
I also think that the soulmate thing is also quite selfish. That there is someone in the world who is perfect for you because of who they are (and, presumably, you are just perfect for them too) seems awfully self-centred. People change. As the years go by, you will both grow older and you won't stay the same. What if the person you married ten years ago is not the same person you are married to now? What if he (or she) looks nothing like your soulmate? Furthermore, it is impossible for one person to ever truly fulfill all your needs. They may fulfill some of your needs but not all. People outside the marriage can take care of the others (as long as they are not the important ones which should only remain inside the marriage). I've come to understand that I cannot fulfill Ben's need to discuss and work through issues in the Bible. I'm no good at arguing or counter-arguing points of view. But there are other people who are and they fulfill that need. I don't have to.
You see, you could marry anyone. Well, as long as they 1) are a believer, 2) aren't closely related to you, 3) are of the opposite sex, 4) are free to be married. You could, in fact, marry anyone. And then, with God's blessing, you'd have to make it work. Choose to love. Not choose to love. I do think it's interesting that there are fewer divorces in countries where arranged marriages are the norm.
The List
So, out of that lot who are Christians, not closely related to me, are of the opposite sex, are free to marry, how do I know who to marry? Here enters the idea of The List. She must be: tall, beautiful, brown-eyed, smart, fun, independent, affectionate ... etc.
My first problem with the list is living up to it. More often than not, you can't. Ben always thought he'd marry an Anglo-Saxon girl and it still surprises him that his kids are going to look Asian (provided we can have kids). Of course you could always compromise on the list or scrap some elements which aren't that important; you can't have it all and you might spend your entire life waiting for it. But why have a list? Why are those things on the list? Why do you want someone who is clever and creative and plays the piano? What will that do for you? Help you to love them more?
Some people have “Christian” lists: He must be
- mature in his faith;
- kind;
- loving;
- serving;
- unselfish;
- concerned about sin in his life;
- prayerful;
- Godly.
I have heard it said that if you are a man, look for a woman whom you find it easy to love so that you will not have so much trouble obeying Ephesians 5:25; if you are a woman, look for a man whom you find it easy to submit to so that you will not have so much trouble obeying Ephesians 5:22. There is some truth in that but I wouldn't want to diminish the responsibility on the part of the chooser; remember marriage is all about choosing to love and, no matter who you choose, that person is always going to be a sinner and there will be things about them that you will find hard to accept.
So am I saying scrap the list? I guess I'm trying to say be wise about it. What's on it? What is it there for? Is it realistic? Are you being selfish in listing what you want in a potential marriage partner? I know that, even though, theoretically, you could marry anyone, most people don't. They marry the person they like the best or the person they are the most excited by or the person they can spend 48 hours with and not feel like murdering. I was first attracted to Ben because of his mind—his wisdom, his deep thoughts, his sense of humour—and I loved spending time with him and he with me. I was reading over one of his old letters the other day and this jumped out at me:
The best part of our friendship of course is that it is God focused. I've said that I think I can marry you and I don't really want to dwell on that idea although I do keep thinking about it but the main reason I think that is because our friendship does not distract me from or hinder my walk with God but rather it enhances it—we encourage and edify each other—we walk together—we praise God together—we agree about what is important and are in harmony—we love God together.
Find someone with whom you can worship God unhindered. Find someone who encourages you in your walk with God. Find someone who wants to help you live a life pleasing to him.
The Choice for Life: Matrimony or celibacy?
I'd like to reiterate something that Al Hsu says in The Single Issue and that is: everyone starts off in life as being single and some people leave singleness for a while to be married and some people are single again later on. God does not bless people with the “gift” of singleness or the “gift” of marriage but rather we are single or we marry in the course of our lives. And we have to live with it.
I know I must be coming across as being cruel and heartless in what I write. Especially since I'm married and no longer single. I wish I could remember what it was like to be single but I wasn't single for that long and I wish I had been. I don't think I made the most of my pre-marriage years. I regret that. But I know that there is a possibility that I will be single again one day. Ben might die. Ben might run off with another woman and leave me high and dry. Who knows what could happen? If I was single again, I'd have to live with it. I hope I'd be a lot wiser. I hope I'd make the most of it. I hope I'd continue undistracted in my walk with God.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we must learn to be content in our current situations. Some people are single, some people are married. Some people change from being single to being married. God calls us to be faithful, whatever our circumstances. He will honour our decisions. I keep thinking of Proverbs 3:5-6:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
God does not point out the path to us and tell us to walk it but he gives us wisdom to know what the right path is. God asks that we obey him and honour him as Lord and then he will make our paths straight. Single or married, we must be obedient to him.
And at the end of it all ...?
So what have I concluded for myself? Is romance “bad”? What do I mean by “bad”? I suppose I mean “bad” in the sense that it distracts from God and I think it can do that. I think romance outside of marriage is dangerous and not something to base a relationship on. I don't think romance (in the terms in which I have been defining it) has a place in marriage but love does.
So what about chick flicks, novels and plotting stories in my head? I think I have to keep things in perspective when watching/reading/creating them. I should not be deceived by what they say because what they are depicting may not be real. As long as I can see through the illusion, they are harmless. And, like all things, there is always the temptation towards addiction which should be denied. An addiction is something you find difficult to give up. I know I could easily give up these things. I should be wise and not let these things detract from my relationship with God—or my relationship with Ben, for that matter.
So is there anything good about romance? Is there anything useful or helpful about it? I guess that's a subject for a whole other post.
Current:
seen: Moon 15/10/2009
read: The Incredibles 11/10/2009
seen: She's the Man 05/10/2009
read: I Kill Giants (Joe Kelly and J. M. Ken Niimura) 04/10/2009
read: Astro City The Dark Ages Book 1: Brothers and Other Strangers (Kurt Busiek, Brent Anderson and Alex Ross) 04/10/2009
seen: Children of Men 02/10/2009
seen: Metric (The Metro) 30/09/2009
seen: 500 Days of Summer 25/09/2009
seen: The September Issue 18/09/2009
seen: Gilmore Girls: Season 1 17/09/2009
read: Flight (Volume 1) (edited by Kazu Kibuishi) 16/09/2009
seen: Ponyo 11/09/2009
read: Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? (Neil Gaiman and Andy Kubert) 05/09/2009
heard: Aimee Mann (Enmore Theatre) 04/09/2009
heard: Ben Folds Solo (Opera House) 31/08/2009
read: Phonogram: Rue Britannia (Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie) 26/08/2009
seen: Northanger Abbey 20/08/2009
read: The Princess Diaries (Meg Cabot) 18/08/2009
seen: The Phantom of the Opera 17/08/2009
seen: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? 10/08/2009
seen: District 9 10/08/2009
read: Shortcomings (Adrian Tomine) 02/08/2009
read: AIR Volume 1: Letters from Lost Countries (Willow Wilson and M.K. Perker) 28/07/2009
seen: Persepolis 25/07/2009
seen: Ghost Town 25/07/2009
heard: Gutter Twins (Seymour Centre) 23/07/2009
seen: Coco Avant Chanel 20/07/2009
seen: Gutenberg! The Musical (Seymour Centre) 16/07/2009
seen: So You Think You Can Dance? Australia Live Tour (Sydney Entertainment Centre) 11/07/2009
seen: Every Little Step 07/07/2009
seen: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen 03/07/2009
seen: Synecdoche, New York 30/06/2009
seen: Charlie's Angels 27/06/2009
seen: Penelope 26/06/2009
seen: Coraline 10/06/2009
seen: The Sky Crawlers 08/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Ultimatum 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Supremacy 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Identity 06/06/2009
seen: Stick it 05/06/2009
Comment:
@Sarah: Thanks for the tip RE Australian Breastfeeding Association! I never would have thought to look there. Ditto KMart: I was wondering if they did since Target don’t.
@Rae: Thanks for the tip! I’ll check it out.
@Little Rachel: Oh, I’ll definitely be up for visitors! I may not be very good company (brain-dead, etc.) but I’ll certainly appreciate visits!
@Rachel C: CONGRATS!!! So excited for you 
Yours sounds like a good philosophy. One day I shall have to blog about Outliers!
@CafeDave: Thanks for the tip!
@Elissa: Thanks for your kind words! It makes me happy that you and Dave were excited we were getting married! Thanks also for the prayers!
@Elsie: There are lots of other lovely things I could have said about you, but let’s not overload my readers, shall we? ;P
Aww...thanks for the lovely things you said about me! I enjoyed reading this post (as I do with all yours). xo
Congratulations to you both. I know you will be such wonderful parents. You sound WAY too sensible! 
(Sorry to read that there were some unusual comments made about your marriage! We thought it was exciting. We still have a lovely photo of you & Ben in our lovely box of special memories. (I was only 22 when married & I was 30 when we had Bonnie...)
Everyone is different! I nodded through your post. SO many people feel the curious need to share their “horror stories” which is just dreadful. I remember complaining to David who said - go find people who are positive & listen to them. Great advice, which I did. Those people still have a big place in my heart because their advice was honest & gentle.
Bless you & Ben & the little Peanut. We pray all goes smoothly over the coming weeks/months ahead. We sometimes forget what a precious little miracle life really is…
Another book from the dad’s perspective I found helpful was From here to paternity - it’s an Australian book, and was followed up with a blog.
Hi!
I’m so excited for you reading your blog about being pregnant I am 13 weeks pregnant with #2.
You’re so right about all the pessimism “advice” that you get. I got so mad about it but never found a good response. I’ve had such joy right from day one with E that I just don’t want to buy into the negativity (I’m sure kids pick up on it too!).
My philosophy was/is to be a relaxed mum and from that figure out what was best for my baby/child. Get advice when you’re not sure on things or want to know how other people approached things, read books (loved Outliers!) that aren’t all about parenting… but just enjoy.
In a sample size of one to date, I’ve had such a happy, chilled out son right from day one. People say all the craziest advice… glad you don’t do guilt
With love,
R
Thanks so much for writing more! I love hearing how you’re going and all your thoughts.
After watching my sister I agree with you that it seems the first six months are perhaps the hardest. She got quite lonely at home all day; weekends were all right because then her husband was around but it’s just as you say… one feed ends then the next begins! If you are accepting visitors during this period then I hope to use some RDOs to come have grown-up conversations!
The book review of The Second Nine Months makes me want to read it now!
Names: We have one girl name that we both like and no boy names that we agree on. But they are also top-secret… so if anyone else uses them we can’t accuse them of theft! 
Yay Peanut, keep on growing, can’t wait to meet you!
Hello! Thanks for sharing
I loved reading your pregnancy update! I am glad to hear that things are all going pretty well, and I hope the rest of your 2nd trimester is as good.
I just wanted to add, that some other blokes decided that there was not much for the fathers-t0-be, and made a couple of DVD’s just for expectant dads. They are called ‘Being Dad’and i think they are available at big W. I have both though, if you would like me to send them!
Just wanted to wish you all the best!
Love
Rae
re: gluten: no idea!! I didn’t have to go on that diet - it was probably related to the test I didn’t do.
At the risk of adding to your list of advice:
Re: maternity bras - because I’m big I had to look hard for something nice in my size and discovered the Australian Breastfeeding Association. They have a massive range online and most are (dare I say it) sexy.
Re: maternity clothes - Kmart have a nice range of basic stuff.. I only found out towards the end of pregnancy and I would have liked to know earlier!
Re: Parenting classes - if you’re at RPA you can just ring the midwives section (they’ll put you through) and ask directly.
Congratulations again
Don’t laminate your ultrasound picture That is my advice.
Congratulations! This is so fantastic!
Thanks so much for sharing all of this… people swap engagement stories but rarely pregnancy stories! And it’s kind of similar don’t you think, all this excitement leading up to a big day!
So happy for you guys! Actually never been more excited for anyone except my sister! I think it’s because I think that you will both be amazing parents and love the idea that someone could grow up in your family.
Looking forward to many more posts on the topic.
Lovely news, Karen.
Thanks everyone! I will be sure to ask for help when I need it!
Great pic!! Peanut is cute! :D
Praying for you all!
xx
:D
I had a similar sort of morning sickness.. except I threw up! I’m suitably impressed that you coped OS.. that must have been tough.
It sounds like you’re doing marvelously otherwise!
Book recommendation on something a bit less technical and a bit more human: ‘Birth’ http://www.birthnet.com.au/
Praise be to God indeed! Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Congratulations, Beilharzen! Welcome to the slightly-bewildering world of pregnancy (and birth...and children...). God has blessed you greatly with this new life. We’ll be praying for Peanut’s growth and development, and for you guys as you prepare.
I’m sure you’re surrounded by baby veterans, but always happy to help with books/advice/recommendations/listening.
B&L;
Excellent job Karen! You SHOULD be pleased with yourself!
Have you discovered http://www.ravelry.com ? It is an excellent site with thousands of free patterns in its database, lots of support, tips, forums etc and of course - friends like me? Look me up when you get there - fionag77
PS Are you just wearing a bulky dress or are you sporting a bump under that dress?
oooh.... It’s done and it looks great on you! xxx
Well done on all that hard work! It looks great and will be very snuggly come winter!
Thanks for letting me know, Timo!
Hi there,
Thanks for pointing out the shortcoming on our website. I’ll pass it on to my colleagues and hopefully it will be rectified soon.
The documentary at Fashioning Now was by Holly Kaye-Smith; I’d be more than happy to put you in touch with her if you’d like.
Again, thanks for the comment, much appreciate it!
Kind regards,
Timo Rissanen
Thanks Mark! Much appreciated!
Rich survey, Karen. Particularly I was struck by the notion of Jesus being clothed with our sins. I heard recently somebody suggest the crown of thorns was a kings crown but it was made of the symbol of the curse in the Garden - thorns. I would like to read your thoughts about Joseph’s coat of many colours.
Looking forward to the next installment. Regards,Mark
It is lovely - and looks great on you.
You’ve made me want to read it - though I may need an interpreter at times!
Well done with the sewing!
I think it looks good - very relaxed and spring-y.
Hey Sandra! Thanks for the tip! I read it yesterday, but I struggled a bit because Lewis doesn’t start from the Bible. I wasn’t convinced by his argument. What did you think?
Interesting post Karen - Thanks
I like the ending too! :D
xxx
Fantastic post, Karen. Just great. Thanks!
Thanks Bec! Eternal life just keeps getting better and better ...
I do like the way you ended this post - excellent thought.
Personally I don’t feel that way. Maybe that’s something you should blog about?
Wow. Lots of things to pick up on there. It’s been interesting to see the changes to your blog these last 6-12 months: Twitter is certainly more immediate, but are there (gasp) downsides to having its constant buzz in the ear?
Is our (already fractured) ability to concentrate on a single relationship at a time further jeapordised by the regular buzz of tweetdeck (and worse yet, by the imagined sense of loss that goes with being off the grid)?
Or am I just projecting my own fears?
Hi Karen!
If you’re still thinking about this… I just read CS Lewis’s essay “Learning in War-time” which exactly addresses this issue (ie. how can we justify cultural & aesthetic pursuits when people are going to hell around us?). Have you read it? i’d be interested to hear what you think..
(i have it in his little volume “Transposition and other Addresses”, but it’s easily findable online)
I’m doing my own series on the trials and tribulations of writing on my own blog here http://sedshed.blogspot.com/search/label/From%20Head%20to%20Hand
It’s coming along slowly
Coincidentily, I stumbled upon the above Phonogram vs. the Fans cover when digging around for ID concepts for Salt. A disturbingly brilliant image.
Thanks Karen. At the very least, this post gives some context to your myriad of phonogram tweets. At best, it has reinvigorated my stagnated appreciation of comics.
Seriously, though 4,549 words. Is that the best you can do? I say, longer!
Blinks:
Why non-religious parents are starting to home school their children. Problems with American public schools. New models for education that will work (instead of just rote learning and teaching things to kids earlier).
Maybe discomfort is better for writing.
Showing her daughter that women are great by doing tours and walking in the footsteps of famous women. I like that this article is about engagement.
Jordan White, editor for Marvel, answers questions.
Jamie McKelvie answers questions.
Vision therapy as a treatment for ADHD, learning disabilities and even autism. The scientific community's opinion. The results of concentrated therapy.
Kieron Gillen on Phonogram, Siege, Ares, Loki and his collaborative relationship with Jamie McKelvie.
Superheroes and how they have changed the way we see urban landscape. Their attraction to New York.
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Comments
Hi Karen, you know who this is. I am really excited (that’s kind of the wrong word) about reading your article/thoughts on romance. I just heard a sermon series on love, sex and marriage, but the preacher made a point in saying it should be “marriage, sex and faithfulness”.
Being content in my singleness (and unlike you, it’s been 10 years) is something that I constantly have to keep working on, but I know that God LOVES me and that he knows what’s best for me! I’m not currently particularly worried about being single and am beginning to feel in my heart that it’s God’s plan for me to be single long-term. I know other Christian girl-friends of mine are struggling so much more with it than me, so maybe I’m just “cut-out” to be single.
I’m not making much sense, and would love to talk more, but I really should stop procrastinating and go to the library to listen to the lecture I missed on Monday.
Missing you heaps and will be happy to “talk” more soon.
G
I think you are right when you say that the modern concept of romance is all about feelings.
I’m working through the whole issue of marriage right now. I read the other day (can’t remember which book, I’m reading several simultaneously!) that since our life’s purpose is to glorify God, then it follows that it is only right to marry if, by marrying, I would be able to bring God more glory than I would if I were to remain single.
I had a very strong reaction to that - I wanted to scream, “Nooooooo!”. Because, you see, it’s a very scary thing. And my reaction showed me that I do expect marriage to make me happy - or at least, happier (because I’m already happy… I hope!). Yes, I am content right now, but I’m able to be content only because I believe that marriage will come along later. Does that make sense?
If I knew that God was saying an absolute no to marriage, would I be content? I’m not so sure about that!!
So I find that I have inadvertently bought into the marriage myth as well, even though I always believed I was impervious to it.
Aside from this, however, I do still believe that God has to know whom I’m going to marry, being that He is all-knowing and that all the days of my life were planned before one of them came to be (Ps 139). Well, I don’t know. We say that God cares about the little details (knowing how many hairs are on your head and all that), yet at the same time we can’t descend into absurdity and ask Him what shirt to wear today - where is the balance? I’m still looking for the balance. If I trust Him to guide me to the right job or workplace, why not to the right life partner?
As far as a list is concerned, I see it as a guide only. Catherine Marshall (Adventures In Prayer) suggested praying over the list, asking God to guide us as we make it, bringing the items to Him and examining them in His presence, and then - when the list is done - committing it to Him. This ensures the list won’t be frivolous or self-serving. Obviously God knows best what we need, so He might actually deviate from the list, though - I have no problems with that.
Since God is actively involved in our lives I would really prefer to think that He gives the “gift” of marriage and the “gift” of singleness, rather than taking singlehood & marriage as just another state we go through in the course of life. That is like saying that we get to choose our own way and do whatever we like, which we don’t, really, because we are always seeking to do God’s will. In addition, we always say that nothing is an accident; then can these not be a gift, states ordained by God?
Elisabeth Elliot points out that it is up to the Giver to choose the gift; if He gifts singleness, who are we to chafe at it and complain and demand marriage? Therefore, yes, we are to be content no matter what the situation. I’m to faithfully walk the path I’m given, not knowing whether He might give me the gift of marriage later. EE says each gift may be given for a season, which makes sense to me.
That’s a good question, Irene. Where’s the balance? The more I think about it, the more I realise that it’s all about compatibilism: human responsibility and God’s sovereignty—two sides of the same coin which do not rule each other out. We make our decisions and God upholds them. God helps us to choose and we do things according his plan. But we cannot hesitate from choosing because our indecision is really a choice. We must continue to trust that God is in control. We must continue to ask for wisdom in making life’s decisions. The balance is to throw all our burdens upon him and yet at the same time act responsibly. The balance is to seek to become more likeminded with Christ and at the same time act wisely. Maybe the balance will become clearer as we continue to walk in life ... maybe not.
This is not an easy topic to discuss - thus the reason it took such a long entry to write out your thoughts on it.
Romance and love are not the same thing, but as I’ve seen them, they are both nouns and verbs.
I disagree that the idea of a soulmate is selfish. I think the God that is Love does plan for our happiness, and for some people (not all) that means He has someone particular in mind. Some people would be happier single. Most of us mess it up when we don’t listen to what He has to say.
I dislike the idea of a “list” of specifications for a spouse, even though I know a lot of people, unconsciously or not, use one. However, I do think God gifts us with singleness or marriage. Singleness is a gift which frees you to do more things for God’s Kingdom. Marriage gives you a partner (hopefully) in working toward God’s Kingdom. Both can be gifts. Depending on how negative you are, either could also be a curse.
At the end, though, you are right. We need to learn to be content with our lives and trust God. Otherwise, we end up fighting a battle we can’t win.
I found all the article very interesting, especially where there is a common theme running throughout of selfishness vs unselfish.
There seems to be the underlying assumption that being unselfish is good, however I would like to point out that being unselfish in the selfish world would result in failure within that world.
To work within the sinful world, it is necessary to be selfish, therefore sinful in nature. To be any less and you are on the bottom of the fish tank getting the scraps.
A person who conformed to the so called “Christian lists” of what is desired in a partner would be unlikely to be successful in this world and would be considered as unattractive by most modern thinking observers.
Such a persons qualities would be overlooked - an “innocent who suffers in a corrupt world” (a common literary theme).
A selfish person with a facade of goodness would be far more attractive to most people, as long as the facade was not dropped to reveal the true nature.
So my question is distilled, how to be unselfish and successful in a sinful world?
Also - I had another question.
“if you are a woman, look for a man whom you find it easy to submit to so that you will not have so much trouble obeying Ephesians 5:22”
What does submit mean? I’ve always wondered, I don’t really want a girlfriend/wife who submits to me, I’d be more interesting in someone who has a point of view. I assume that submit means the English definition of the world submit which is partly
“To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.”
I wouldn’t want someone like that, sounds very boring !
Phil
Philip: What do you measure success by? Running the race and attaining the prize of eternal life with God or building up for yourself riches on earth instead of in heaven?
As for submission, I don’t think you’ve understood the concept properly. To be brief (as there really isn’t enough space to talk about this in my comment box), Christians wives are not to be doormats but they are to uphold the order of creation in marriage in respecting the husband’s authority. Marriages work best this way—according to the Designer’s plans.
Unlike all the long posts we’ve seen.. I just wanna say quickly that I enjoyed and got a lot out of this post
I apologise for being so picky, I should be more encouraging, so what do I measure as success?
I value worldly success partly and Christian success partly, if I was fully valuing the idea of eternal life with God I would give up my job as a programmer and go evangelise the word of God, right?
I need an example of a situation where the wife submits to the husband under this definition.
On submission.
I heard a series of talks on Ephesians recently. Here are some of my notes on submission.
A different role does not equal different importance e.g. doctors are not more important than the garbage collector in God’s eyes. In the same way, both husband and wife are equal in the eyes of God.
The world confuses submission with inferiority.
Greatness in the Kingdom of God is submissiveness (Philippians 2 talks about how Jesus humbled himself to death on a cross)
There is mutual submission between the husband and wife.
That’s not a lot of detail. Does it help?
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