The Problem of Romance (continued)
Thursday, 08 May, 2003
I'm still thinking. Bear with me.
The Definition of Romance
What do we mean when we talk about “romance”? What do we mean when we call something “romantic”?
I could consult a dictionary but I don't think it's useful. The problem is, words change according to how people use them. The word used to refer to a literary genre characterised by “strange and exciting adventures of chivalrous heroes” but that's not how we use it in reference to romantic comedies and romance novels. It can also refer to “a love affair, especially an intense and happy but short-lived affair involving young people” but that's not what we mean when we talk about romance in marriage.
In an article called, "Perspective On Romance", Bob Narinda rejects all the dictionary definitions and looks “inward” to come up with his own: “Romance,” he says, “[is] the act of making your partner feel loved.” Lorelei at lovermermaid.com agrees: “I think a good definition of romance is something that brings a couple closer together and more in love.” The Romance Writers of America also put out their own: “[A] romance is a book wherein the love story is the main focus of the novel, and the end of the book is emotionally satisfying.” Interestingly, they rule out movies like Titanic and Bridges of Madison County as being “true” romances because they do not end satisfactorily. Jennifer Crusie, romance writer and member of the RWA committee, says,
Romance novels end in a way that makes the reader feel good ... Romance novels are based on the idea of an innate emotional justice—the notion that good people in the world are rewarded and evil people are punished. In a romance, the lovers who risk and struggle for each other and their relationship are rewarded with emotional justice and unconditional love.
I think I see a common theme emerging.
Romance versus love
If I may be bold and come up with my own definition, I would say that the modern concept of “romance” is all about feelings. How he makes me feel, how she makes me feel, how being together makes us feel. Feeling in love. Feeling good. Feeling pain because we want to be together but can't. Feeling awed because I love him so much. Feeling special because he loves me so much. Making him feel special because I think he's special. Butterflies in the stomach, warm fuzzies, weak knees, heart palpitations, being swept away ... I think romance is primarily about how it makes us feel.
Love, on the other hand, is completely different. “Love” and “romance” are sometimes used interchangeably but I think this is a mistake and I want to make the distinction clear. Love is a verb. Love is an action. You choose to love or you choose not to love. In the Anglican prayer book—the version that we use in Australia anyway—one part of the vows reads, “Will you love her/him?” The answer is, of course, “I will.” When you get married, you are promising to love this person every day of your life together. This sounds deceptively easy and straightforward but it's not. When you wake up in the morning, you must choose to love him or not love him. When you are doing the laundry, you must choose to love him or not love him. When he is struggling with sin, you must choose to love him or not love him. Marriage brings out the best and the worst of a man and a woman and, in the midst of revelation of how sinful your spouse can be, you must choose to love or not to love. Your love is not conditional on who he is or what he is like. Your love is not conditional on what he does or what he doesn't do. Your love is a conscious deliberate choice. A “calm logical decision” ... a decision with the head rather than the heart as Irene describes it in her excerpts of Elisabeth Elliot's Quest For Love. In short, we must love the way God loves.
I think Irene is right in saying, “I think the whole concept of ‘falling in love’ (as the books describe it) is a very ‘me-centred’ thing, and very focussed on feelings—those nebulous, transient things.” Romance is selfish; love is unselfish. Romance is transitory; love is permanent. Romance will fade; love lasts forever.
Perhaps I am just playing with semantics (you tell me!) I do think, labels aside, that there is a definite distinction though. And this leads me to talk about a couple of things about romance that have been bothering me.
Romantic myths
The Soulmate
According to this site, 94% of Americans age 20-29 believe in the concept of a soulmate. “What is a soulmate?” you ask. Nina Lee Braden asks the same question. She identifies three main types: 1) the “twin” or “counterpart” or “other half”; 2) the companion or lover who helps you achieve a goal, 3) the karmic teacher who comes into your life to teach you an important lesson. I think most people are talking about the first type when they talk about soulmates.
In Christian circles, this idea seems logical. God is sovereign of the whole world and he knows what has happened and what will happen. God is also looking out for his children. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28). Therefore, because God is in control, God knows if I will marry and if I will stay single. If I will marry, God knows who I will marry. God may even have planned it for me. God knows what I need and what's best for me. God will provide me with a soulmate.
The soulmate thing isn't backed up by the Bible. Rarely does God tell people who they should marry. Sure, he gave signs that Rebekah was the one when Abraham's servant was going to look for a wife for Isaac in Genesis 24, but apart from that story, I can't think of any others where God is saying, “Yes, I have someone in mind for you.” Though Hosea is told to go marry a prostitute, he's never told which one he should marry. God leaves it up to him and he chooses Gomer.
I also think that the soulmate thing is also quite selfish. That there is someone in the world who is perfect for you because of who they are (and, presumably, you are just perfect for them too) seems awfully self-centred. People change. As the years go by, you will both grow older and you won't stay the same. What if the person you married ten years ago is not the same person you are married to now? What if he (or she) looks nothing like your soulmate? Furthermore, it is impossible for one person to ever truly fulfill all your needs. They may fulfill some of your needs but not all. People outside the marriage can take care of the others (as long as they are not the important ones which should only remain inside the marriage). I've come to understand that I cannot fulfill Ben's need to discuss and work through issues in the Bible. I'm no good at arguing or counter-arguing points of view. But there are other people who are and they fulfill that need. I don't have to.
You see, you could marry anyone. Well, as long as they 1) are a believer, 2) aren't closely related to you, 3) are of the opposite sex, 4) are free to be married. You could, in fact, marry anyone. And then, with God's blessing, you'd have to make it work. Choose to love. Not choose to love. I do think it's interesting that there are fewer divorces in countries where arranged marriages are the norm.
The List
So, out of that lot who are Christians, not closely related to me, are of the opposite sex, are free to marry, how do I know who to marry? Here enters the idea of The List. She must be: tall, beautiful, brown-eyed, smart, fun, independent, affectionate ... etc.
My first problem with the list is living up to it. More often than not, you can't. Ben always thought he'd marry an Anglo-Saxon girl and it still surprises him that his kids are going to look Asian (provided we can have kids). Of course you could always compromise on the list or scrap some elements which aren't that important; you can't have it all and you might spend your entire life waiting for it. But why have a list? Why are those things on the list? Why do you want someone who is clever and creative and plays the piano? What will that do for you? Help you to love them more?
Some people have “Christian” lists: He must be
- mature in his faith;
- kind;
- loving;
- serving;
- unselfish;
- concerned about sin in his life;
- prayerful;
- Godly.
I have heard it said that if you are a man, look for a woman whom you find it easy to love so that you will not have so much trouble obeying Ephesians 5:25; if you are a woman, look for a man whom you find it easy to submit to so that you will not have so much trouble obeying Ephesians 5:22. There is some truth in that but I wouldn't want to diminish the responsibility on the part of the chooser; remember marriage is all about choosing to love and, no matter who you choose, that person is always going to be a sinner and there will be things about them that you will find hard to accept.
So am I saying scrap the list? I guess I'm trying to say be wise about it. What's on it? What is it there for? Is it realistic? Are you being selfish in listing what you want in a potential marriage partner? I know that, even though, theoretically, you could marry anyone, most people don't. They marry the person they like the best or the person they are the most excited by or the person they can spend 48 hours with and not feel like murdering. I was first attracted to Ben because of his mind—his wisdom, his deep thoughts, his sense of humour—and I loved spending time with him and he with me. I was reading over one of his old letters the other day and this jumped out at me:
The best part of our friendship of course is that it is God focused. I've said that I think I can marry you and I don't really want to dwell on that idea although I do keep thinking about it but the main reason I think that is because our friendship does not distract me from or hinder my walk with God but rather it enhances it—we encourage and edify each other—we walk together—we praise God together—we agree about what is important and are in harmony—we love God together.
Find someone with whom you can worship God unhindered. Find someone who encourages you in your walk with God. Find someone who wants to help you live a life pleasing to him.
The Choice for Life: Matrimony or celibacy?
I'd like to reiterate something that Al Hsu says in The Single Issue and that is: everyone starts off in life as being single and some people leave singleness for a while to be married and some people are single again later on. God does not bless people with the “gift” of singleness or the “gift” of marriage but rather we are single or we marry in the course of our lives. And we have to live with it.
I know I must be coming across as being cruel and heartless in what I write. Especially since I'm married and no longer single. I wish I could remember what it was like to be single but I wasn't single for that long and I wish I had been. I don't think I made the most of my pre-marriage years. I regret that. But I know that there is a possibility that I will be single again one day. Ben might die. Ben might run off with another woman and leave me high and dry. Who knows what could happen? If I was single again, I'd have to live with it. I hope I'd be a lot wiser. I hope I'd make the most of it. I hope I'd continue undistracted in my walk with God.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we must learn to be content in our current situations. Some people are single, some people are married. Some people change from being single to being married. God calls us to be faithful, whatever our circumstances. He will honour our decisions. I keep thinking of Proverbs 3:5-6:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
God does not point out the path to us and tell us to walk it but he gives us wisdom to know what the right path is. God asks that we obey him and honour him as Lord and then he will make our paths straight. Single or married, we must be obedient to him.
And at the end of it all ...?
So what have I concluded for myself? Is romance “bad”? What do I mean by “bad”? I suppose I mean “bad” in the sense that it distracts from God and I think it can do that. I think romance outside of marriage is dangerous and not something to base a relationship on. I don't think romance (in the terms in which I have been defining it) has a place in marriage but love does.
So what about chick flicks, novels and plotting stories in my head? I think I have to keep things in perspective when watching/reading/creating them. I should not be deceived by what they say because what they are depicting may not be real. As long as I can see through the illusion, they are harmless. And, like all things, there is always the temptation towards addiction which should be denied. An addiction is something you find difficult to give up. I know I could easily give up these things. I should be wise and not let these things detract from my relationship with God—or my relationship with Ben, for that matter.
So is there anything good about romance? Is there anything useful or helpful about it? I guess that's a subject for a whole other post.
Blinks:
A way of funding writing in the future: pitch and idea and get people to support it.
Place where you can hire play equipment for parties, etc.
How to recalibrate the home button on your iPhone.
Unsolicited manuscripts accepted by Pan Macmillan with certain conditions.
Thought Balloon is a group blog in which the writers tackle a new theme every week? month? with one-page scripts. This URL is for their Phonogram ones.
How to sew a zipper on a knitted garment.
Issues organised by tale.
|
|
Disqus comments
Other comments
Hi Karen, you know who this is. I am really excited (that’s kind of the wrong word) about reading your article/thoughts on romance. I just heard a sermon series on love, sex and marriage, but the preacher made a point in saying it should be “marriage, sex and faithfulness”.
Being content in my singleness (and unlike you, it’s been 10 years) is something that I constantly have to keep working on, but I know that God LOVES me and that he knows what’s best for me! I’m not currently particularly worried about being single and am beginning to feel in my heart that it’s God’s plan for me to be single long-term. I know other Christian girl-friends of mine are struggling so much more with it than me, so maybe I’m just “cut-out” to be single.
I’m not making much sense, and would love to talk more, but I really should stop procrastinating and go to the library to listen to the lecture I missed on Monday.
Missing you heaps and will be happy to “talk” more soon.
G
I think you are right when you say that the modern concept of romance is all about feelings.
I’m working through the whole issue of marriage right now. I read the other day (can’t remember which book, I’m reading several simultaneously!) that since our life’s purpose is to glorify God, then it follows that it is only right to marry if, by marrying, I would be able to bring God more glory than I would if I were to remain single.
I had a very strong reaction to that - I wanted to scream, “Nooooooo!”. Because, you see, it’s a very scary thing. And my reaction showed me that I do expect marriage to make me happy - or at least, happier (because I’m already happy… I hope!). Yes, I am content right now, but I’m able to be content only because I believe that marriage will come along later. Does that make sense?
If I knew that God was saying an absolute no to marriage, would I be content? I’m not so sure about that!!
So I find that I have inadvertently bought into the marriage myth as well, even though I always believed I was impervious to it.
Aside from this, however, I do still believe that God has to know whom I’m going to marry, being that He is all-knowing and that all the days of my life were planned before one of them came to be (Ps 139). Well, I don’t know. We say that God cares about the little details (knowing how many hairs are on your head and all that), yet at the same time we can’t descend into absurdity and ask Him what shirt to wear today - where is the balance? I’m still looking for the balance. If I trust Him to guide me to the right job or workplace, why not to the right life partner?
As far as a list is concerned, I see it as a guide only. Catherine Marshall (Adventures In Prayer) suggested praying over the list, asking God to guide us as we make it, bringing the items to Him and examining them in His presence, and then - when the list is done - committing it to Him. This ensures the list won’t be frivolous or self-serving. Obviously God knows best what we need, so He might actually deviate from the list, though - I have no problems with that.
Since God is actively involved in our lives I would really prefer to think that He gives the “gift” of marriage and the “gift” of singleness, rather than taking singlehood & marriage as just another state we go through in the course of life. That is like saying that we get to choose our own way and do whatever we like, which we don’t, really, because we are always seeking to do God’s will. In addition, we always say that nothing is an accident; then can these not be a gift, states ordained by God?
Elisabeth Elliot points out that it is up to the Giver to choose the gift; if He gifts singleness, who are we to chafe at it and complain and demand marriage? Therefore, yes, we are to be content no matter what the situation. I’m to faithfully walk the path I’m given, not knowing whether He might give me the gift of marriage later. EE says each gift may be given for a season, which makes sense to me.
That’s a good question, Irene. Where’s the balance? The more I think about it, the more I realise that it’s all about compatibilism: human responsibility and God’s sovereignty—two sides of the same coin which do not rule each other out. We make our decisions and God upholds them. God helps us to choose and we do things according his plan. But we cannot hesitate from choosing because our indecision is really a choice. We must continue to trust that God is in control. We must continue to ask for wisdom in making life’s decisions. The balance is to throw all our burdens upon him and yet at the same time act responsibly. The balance is to seek to become more likeminded with Christ and at the same time act wisely. Maybe the balance will become clearer as we continue to walk in life ... maybe not.
This is not an easy topic to discuss - thus the reason it took such a long entry to write out your thoughts on it.
Romance and love are not the same thing, but as I’ve seen them, they are both nouns and verbs.
I disagree that the idea of a soulmate is selfish. I think the God that is Love does plan for our happiness, and for some people (not all) that means He has someone particular in mind. Some people would be happier single. Most of us mess it up when we don’t listen to what He has to say.
I dislike the idea of a “list” of specifications for a spouse, even though I know a lot of people, unconsciously or not, use one. However, I do think God gifts us with singleness or marriage. Singleness is a gift which frees you to do more things for God’s Kingdom. Marriage gives you a partner (hopefully) in working toward God’s Kingdom. Both can be gifts. Depending on how negative you are, either could also be a curse.
At the end, though, you are right. We need to learn to be content with our lives and trust God. Otherwise, we end up fighting a battle we can’t win.
I found all the article very interesting, especially where there is a common theme running throughout of selfishness vs unselfish.
There seems to be the underlying assumption that being unselfish is good, however I would like to point out that being unselfish in the selfish world would result in failure within that world.
To work within the sinful world, it is necessary to be selfish, therefore sinful in nature. To be any less and you are on the bottom of the fish tank getting the scraps.
A person who conformed to the so called “Christian lists” of what is desired in a partner would be unlikely to be successful in this world and would be considered as unattractive by most modern thinking observers.
Such a persons qualities would be overlooked - an “innocent who suffers in a corrupt world” (a common literary theme).
A selfish person with a facade of goodness would be far more attractive to most people, as long as the facade was not dropped to reveal the true nature.
So my question is distilled, how to be unselfish and successful in a sinful world?
Also - I had another question.
“if you are a woman, look for a man whom you find it easy to submit to so that you will not have so much trouble obeying Ephesians 5:22”
What does submit mean? I’ve always wondered, I don’t really want a girlfriend/wife who submits to me, I’d be more interesting in someone who has a point of view. I assume that submit means the English definition of the world submit which is partly
“To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.”
I wouldn’t want someone like that, sounds very boring !
Phil
Philip: What do you measure success by? Running the race and attaining the prize of eternal life with God or building up for yourself riches on earth instead of in heaven?
As for submission, I don’t think you’ve understood the concept properly. To be brief (as there really isn’t enough space to talk about this in my comment box), Christians wives are not to be doormats but they are to uphold the order of creation in marriage in respecting the husband’s authority. Marriages work best this way—according to the Designer’s plans.
Unlike all the long posts we’ve seen.. I just wanna say quickly that I enjoyed and got a lot out of this post
I apologise for being so picky, I should be more encouraging, so what do I measure as success?
I value worldly success partly and Christian success partly, if I was fully valuing the idea of eternal life with God I would give up my job as a programmer and go evangelise the word of God, right?
I need an example of a situation where the wife submits to the husband under this definition.
On submission.
I heard a series of talks on Ephesians recently. Here are some of my notes on submission.
A different role does not equal different importance e.g. doctors are not more important than the garbage collector in God’s eyes. In the same way, both husband and wife are equal in the eyes of God.
The world confuses submission with inferiority.
Greatness in the Kingdom of God is submissiveness (Philippians 2 talks about how Jesus humbled himself to death on a cross)
There is mutual submission between the husband and wife.
That’s not a lot of detail. Does it help?