/karen/

The unbearable slightness of being

Tuesday, 30 October, 2007

I've got less than an hour before we have to leave for dinner and Bible study at church—less than hour to continue the Beilharz War on Dust Mites (changing the sheets once again because another week has passed and turning the electric blanket on to evaporate all the moisture [my electric blanket instructions claim it works!]) and to blog.

I want to follow the thought about emotions in relation to the Christian life a little further and tell you some things I've worked out so far. Because this whole thread is really a question I'm trying to work out for myself, I've decided to make the following points somewhat personal.

1. Some emotions are natural reactions to life and the world around us. It was appropriate that I felt sad when my grandmother died, even if I hadn't seen her in five years and didn't know her very well. It's appropriate that I feel sad when people hurt me because sin is a sad part of life. It's appropriate for me to feel happy when I have completed a task and done it well (for example, the redesign of the Matthias Media website, USA site, Australian online store and US online store. However, the curious thing about doing web design is that people will say, “Looks good! Well done!” and I'll think, “Thanks! That was Jess's doing” because, after all, she's our graphics designer and if it looks good, that's because she's so talented. I'm just responsible for implementing it and making sure it plays nice with both of our content management systems. But that's not something you can see). It's appropriate for me to feel sad if my contribution remains unacknowledged. God has wired us to react in a certain way when things happen, and it's probably a sign that something's wrong if we do not react appropriately.
2. Emotions are neither good nor bad. I think I used to think this because I somehow got it into my head that feeling angry was wrong. It's not. Sinning in anger is wrong but anger is an emotion that God feels—righteously so, as the Old Testament bears witness. Anger in itself is not morally evil; it's what you do with it. Indeed, certain things ought to arouse anger within us: injustice, pedophilia, the persecution of the innocent and, of course, sin.
3. Emotions are good signposts; they point to something. Anger is neither morally good nor morally evil, but if my anger is out of proportion to the object of my anger, it probably signals something about myself. I should probably quote Kirsten Birkett's article here (the bit about how the Bible can tell a man to control his anger but not what makes him angry) but you can just go read it for yourself (go on, it's great!) Counsellors can help you figure out why you're angry and resolve those underlying issues.
4. Something which Kirsten Birkett points out most helpfully is the role of sin in our mental lives. She says, “Before heaven no one will have perfect psychological health”. Our emotions are neither morally good nor morally evil but they are flawed in some way. It's hard for us to be righteously angry the way God is because we keep wanting to channel our anger into sin. Our emotions also confuse us so that sometimes we get angry (and sin) when in fact we are sad (because anger is a defence mechanism) but our anger is not “valid” anger (in that it is not anger at sin but rather an anger that stems from hatred and a desire to hurt people). That's the “natural” part of emotions (which frequently manifests itself in road rage)—“natural” in the sense of fallen—that is, not part of God's design for human beings. (I hope that bit made sense; I feel like I'm splitting hairs here.)
5. Returning to my cup metaphor, to a certain extent, some emotional restoration (i.e. things that fill your cup) will always come about through our relationships. Certain contexts give rise to it. It would be terrible if Ben came home upset about something and I just ignored him because the marriage relationship is about love—giving and receiving. The same goes for the parent-child relationship, friendships, and the relationship between employer and employee. Because of the way God has designed human relationships, you'd expect a certain degree of “cup-filling” to take place. I may be generalizing too much but most people experience this kind of restoration regularly so that they have enough emotional “fuel” to operate from day to day.
6. The problem comes when you don't get it. Or when you don't get enough. (And it's natural in the sense of Point 1 to feel sad if you aren't getting it because of the way God has designed human relationships.) Unfortunately, in this case, the solutions seems to be to fill your own cup. Waste some time. See a movie (and buy popcorn for yourself!) Indulge in a little retail therapy. Go for a walk in the sunshine (with your black lace parasol!) But be careful not to cross the line into pure selfishness. It's a line that's hard to see, in my opinion; sometimes I wonder whether I've crossed it or whether I'm just not getting enough R & R (and whether I require more than most because of my present circumstances ... but how can you ever judge that?) It is equally important to avoid the trap of inappropriate guilt. We Christians are especially good at laying that one on each other: “You spent $20 on a CD? That money could have gone towards the [insert cause]. They're in deficit, you know!” (Which raises a whole other kettle of fish about money and how you spend it but this kettle belongs in a whole other blog post ...) You need to see your situation rightly. I need to see my situation rightly. I'm not sure what a “normal” life looks like but I'm pretty sure I'm not living it and never have. Just last Friday I was talking to my counsellor about all the past jobs I've had and I realised that just about all of them (with the possible exception of Dymocks) were at places going through a transition stage (and the transition therefore gave rise to its own set of problems). So there was no “normal” in my work life either. (Great.)

Okay, time to go.

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