Trust your feelings?
Wednesday, 29 March, 2006
At counselling yesterday I realised that I'm always doubting the legitimacy of what I feel. For example, something might happen that makes me feel sad or angry and I question whether I have the right to be sad or angry over that incident. I also realised why I do that (but I'm not telling you!)
My counsellor told me that feelings are not morally good or morally bad; they just are. Often they're telling you something (but you have to work out what that is). It's what you do with them that results in good or bad, e.g. you might be so angry, you go out and hurt someone. There are no right and wrong feelings; there is just the way you respond.
Blinks:
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I do that too, not all the time, but I do sometimes tell myself, “It’s not that big a deal, others have it worse, stop being a drama queen!” and stuff like that. To the point when I talk myself out of seeking help, coz I feel like whatever I’m dealing with is not legitimate enough that I should bother other people with it.
Why do you do it, Irene? I wonder if it’s an Asian thing ...
(There I go, generalising again.)
But it sort of makes sense in my twisted brain. In Asian cultures we’re told we must be grateful for what we have (and we don’t feel grateful because we are not getting what we need—not in terms of the physical things which our elders think will be enough but in terms of love, support, respect, etc.) We’re told we must respect and honour our elders but sometimes we cannot respect and honour them when we see them doing things which they should not be doing.
I’ll have to think about it further ...
Perhaps because our parents are always telling us that we don’t know how good we have it? My parents were second-generation immigrants and grew up very poor. They always used to tell us, “You don’t know how good your life is!” So when my life doesn’t seem so good… I think I have no right to complain, it could be worse and others *do* have it worse.
My dad used to say that a bit but then, after the divorce, I didn’t see him as much so I don’t think it affected me. My mum never used to say that to me. But it’s a very good point and it makes me wonder why Asian parents generally haven’t dropped the whole thing; they want to elicit gratitude but instead it elicits guilt.
Hey, maybe I should lend you my book Following Jesus without dishonoring your parents. It kind of touches on that topic. Let me know if you’re interested.
Yes, I’d love to borrow it! Thanks, Elsie!!