V-day
Thursday, 14 February, 2008
Regular readers of this blog know that I normally ignore what's happening in the world. It's mostly because I can't be bothered engaging with it, or I find it unworthy of my attention. But, today being Valentine's Day, I thought I'd post the two pieces I wrote for Bec for webSalt. (You can also download the entire issue. Go on! It features funky design by Bec; pieces by Bec, Ben and Guan; and funny pandas with enormous eyes!)
(Please note these are supposed to be two separate pieces, not two parts of one thing.)
Valentine's Day: a day of exclusion. Not when you're nine, of course—not when you're in primary school and you've spent the weekend making heart-shaped cards out of red cardboard, or shortbread cookies with your mum, bundled up in little bags of clear cellophane and fastened with silver curling ribbon. You bring them to school and give them to all your friends to tell them how much you love them—as much as your nine-year-old heart can love.
Valentine's Day: a day of exclusion. Not when you're 15 and it's Carnation Day. You don't even like carnations—they don't look like real flowers; they look like they've been made out of crepe paper—but it's Carnation Day, so you go to the desk and pay your $1 per blossom—one for each of the girls in your group—only to find, when the carnations arrive at roll call and none of them are for you, that all of the rest of your friends thought Carnation Day a silly American practice and didn't bother to send any.
Valentine's Day: a day of exclusion. A day for couples to celebrate their love in grand and very public ways—ways involving cards, teddy bears and flowers, and romantic dates in low-lit restaurants—ways that revolve around two (not one, not three, not four)—ways that all say us and our, not you (singular), not me. It's a day—a day like any other—and yet it's the loneliest day of the year. The whole world is paired up, but you are not. The whole world is in love, but you are not.
A couple of years ago, the singles at my church decided to get together and go out for dinner on Valentine's Day. What a great thing to do! But it was singles-only; couples were not invited.
Valentine's Day: a day of exclusion. It shreds your heart like crepe paper flowers.
Valentine's Day: it's ridiculous, really. Do you really think my love for him can be encapsulated by bright big bouquets delivered to his workplace—by plush white polar bears carrying satin red hearts—by a romantic three-course dinner by the harbour, a string quartet serenading us in a corner? My love for him is more than this—more than Baci kisses or sugared almonds—more than Chanel No. 5 and burgundy silk ties—more than tickets to his favourite band or breakfast in bed. My love for him is more.
My love for him is in sorting his laundry and hanging it up to dry—picking out his favourite cereal in the supermarket—preparing him dinner when I get home from work—cradling him in my arms when we go to sleep. My love for him is in doing the dishes, ironing his clothes, buying him a chocolate bar when I go to fill the car with petrol, praying for him over breakfast. It's in the mirror—in the sink—in our pillows—in a glance across a crowded room. My love for him is more than Valentine's Day—more than this day—more than one day.
It's every day.
Current:
seen: Moon 15/10/2009
read: The Incredibles 11/10/2009
seen: She's the Man 05/10/2009
read: I Kill Giants (Joe Kelly and J. M. Ken Niimura) 04/10/2009
read: Astro City The Dark Ages Book 1: Brothers and Other Strangers (Kurt Busiek, Brent Anderson and Alex Ross) 04/10/2009
seen: Children of Men 02/10/2009
seen: Metric (The Metro) 30/09/2009
seen: 500 Days of Summer 25/09/2009
seen: The September Issue 18/09/2009
seen: Gilmore Girls: Season 1 17/09/2009
read: Flight (Volume 1) (edited by Kazu Kibuishi) 16/09/2009
seen: Ponyo 11/09/2009
read: Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? (Neil Gaiman and Andy Kubert) 05/09/2009
heard: Aimee Mann (Enmore Theatre) 04/09/2009
heard: Ben Folds Solo (Opera House) 31/08/2009
read: Phonogram: Rue Britannia (Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie) 26/08/2009
seen: Northanger Abbey 20/08/2009
read: The Princess Diaries (Meg Cabot) 18/08/2009
seen: The Phantom of the Opera 17/08/2009
seen: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? 10/08/2009
seen: District 9 10/08/2009
read: Shortcomings (Adrian Tomine) 02/08/2009
read: AIR Volume 1: Letters from Lost Countries (Willow Wilson and M.K. Perker) 28/07/2009
seen: Persepolis 25/07/2009
seen: Ghost Town 25/07/2009
heard: Gutter Twins (Seymour Centre) 23/07/2009
seen: Coco Avant Chanel 20/07/2009
seen: Gutenberg! The Musical (Seymour Centre) 16/07/2009
seen: So You Think You Can Dance? Australia Live Tour (Sydney Entertainment Centre) 11/07/2009
seen: Every Little Step 07/07/2009
seen: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen 03/07/2009
seen: Synecdoche, New York 30/06/2009
seen: Charlie's Angels 27/06/2009
seen: Penelope 26/06/2009
seen: Coraline 10/06/2009
seen: The Sky Crawlers 08/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Ultimatum 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Supremacy 07/06/2009
seen: The Bourne Identity 06/06/2009
seen: Stick it 05/06/2009
Comment:
@Sarah: Thanks for the tip RE Australian Breastfeeding Association! I never would have thought to look there. Ditto KMart: I was wondering if they did since Target don’t.
@Rae: Thanks for the tip! I’ll check it out.
@Little Rachel: Oh, I’ll definitely be up for visitors! I may not be very good company (brain-dead, etc.) but I’ll certainly appreciate visits!
@Rachel C: CONGRATS!!! So excited for you 
Yours sounds like a good philosophy. One day I shall have to blog about Outliers!
@CafeDave: Thanks for the tip!
@Elissa: Thanks for your kind words! It makes me happy that you and Dave were excited we were getting married! Thanks also for the prayers!
@Elsie: There are lots of other lovely things I could have said about you, but let’s not overload my readers, shall we? ;P
Aww...thanks for the lovely things you said about me! I enjoyed reading this post (as I do with all yours). xo
Congratulations to you both. I know you will be such wonderful parents. You sound WAY too sensible! 
(Sorry to read that there were some unusual comments made about your marriage! We thought it was exciting. We still have a lovely photo of you & Ben in our lovely box of special memories. (I was only 22 when married & I was 30 when we had Bonnie...)
Everyone is different! I nodded through your post. SO many people feel the curious need to share their “horror stories” which is just dreadful. I remember complaining to David who said - go find people who are positive & listen to them. Great advice, which I did. Those people still have a big place in my heart because their advice was honest & gentle.
Bless you & Ben & the little Peanut. We pray all goes smoothly over the coming weeks/months ahead. We sometimes forget what a precious little miracle life really is…
Another book from the dad’s perspective I found helpful was From here to paternity - it’s an Australian book, and was followed up with a blog.
Hi!
I’m so excited for you reading your blog about being pregnant I am 13 weeks pregnant with #2.
You’re so right about all the pessimism “advice” that you get. I got so mad about it but never found a good response. I’ve had such joy right from day one with E that I just don’t want to buy into the negativity (I’m sure kids pick up on it too!).
My philosophy was/is to be a relaxed mum and from that figure out what was best for my baby/child. Get advice when you’re not sure on things or want to know how other people approached things, read books (loved Outliers!) that aren’t all about parenting… but just enjoy.
In a sample size of one to date, I’ve had such a happy, chilled out son right from day one. People say all the craziest advice… glad you don’t do guilt
With love,
R
Thanks so much for writing more! I love hearing how you’re going and all your thoughts.
After watching my sister I agree with you that it seems the first six months are perhaps the hardest. She got quite lonely at home all day; weekends were all right because then her husband was around but it’s just as you say… one feed ends then the next begins! If you are accepting visitors during this period then I hope to use some RDOs to come have grown-up conversations!
The book review of The Second Nine Months makes me want to read it now!
Names: We have one girl name that we both like and no boy names that we agree on. But they are also top-secret… so if anyone else uses them we can’t accuse them of theft! 
Yay Peanut, keep on growing, can’t wait to meet you!
Hello! Thanks for sharing
I loved reading your pregnancy update! I am glad to hear that things are all going pretty well, and I hope the rest of your 2nd trimester is as good.
I just wanted to add, that some other blokes decided that there was not much for the fathers-t0-be, and made a couple of DVD’s just for expectant dads. They are called ‘Being Dad’and i think they are available at big W. I have both though, if you would like me to send them!
Just wanted to wish you all the best!
Love
Rae
re: gluten: no idea!! I didn’t have to go on that diet - it was probably related to the test I didn’t do.
At the risk of adding to your list of advice:
Re: maternity bras - because I’m big I had to look hard for something nice in my size and discovered the Australian Breastfeeding Association. They have a massive range online and most are (dare I say it) sexy.
Re: maternity clothes - Kmart have a nice range of basic stuff.. I only found out towards the end of pregnancy and I would have liked to know earlier!
Re: Parenting classes - if you’re at RPA you can just ring the midwives section (they’ll put you through) and ask directly.
Congratulations again
Don’t laminate your ultrasound picture That is my advice.
Congratulations! This is so fantastic!
Thanks so much for sharing all of this… people swap engagement stories but rarely pregnancy stories! And it’s kind of similar don’t you think, all this excitement leading up to a big day!
So happy for you guys! Actually never been more excited for anyone except my sister! I think it’s because I think that you will both be amazing parents and love the idea that someone could grow up in your family.
Looking forward to many more posts on the topic.
Lovely news, Karen.
Thanks everyone! I will be sure to ask for help when I need it!
Great pic!! Peanut is cute! :D
Praying for you all!
xx
:D
I had a similar sort of morning sickness.. except I threw up! I’m suitably impressed that you coped OS.. that must have been tough.
It sounds like you’re doing marvelously otherwise!
Book recommendation on something a bit less technical and a bit more human: ‘Birth’ http://www.birthnet.com.au/
Praise be to God indeed! Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Congratulations, Beilharzen! Welcome to the slightly-bewildering world of pregnancy (and birth...and children...). God has blessed you greatly with this new life. We’ll be praying for Peanut’s growth and development, and for you guys as you prepare.
I’m sure you’re surrounded by baby veterans, but always happy to help with books/advice/recommendations/listening.
B&L;
Excellent job Karen! You SHOULD be pleased with yourself!
Have you discovered http://www.ravelry.com ? It is an excellent site with thousands of free patterns in its database, lots of support, tips, forums etc and of course - friends like me? Look me up when you get there - fionag77
PS Are you just wearing a bulky dress or are you sporting a bump under that dress?
oooh.... It’s done and it looks great on you! xxx
Well done on all that hard work! It looks great and will be very snuggly come winter!
Thanks for letting me know, Timo!
Hi there,
Thanks for pointing out the shortcoming on our website. I’ll pass it on to my colleagues and hopefully it will be rectified soon.
The documentary at Fashioning Now was by Holly Kaye-Smith; I’d be more than happy to put you in touch with her if you’d like.
Again, thanks for the comment, much appreciate it!
Kind regards,
Timo Rissanen
Thanks Mark! Much appreciated!
Rich survey, Karen. Particularly I was struck by the notion of Jesus being clothed with our sins. I heard recently somebody suggest the crown of thorns was a kings crown but it was made of the symbol of the curse in the Garden - thorns. I would like to read your thoughts about Joseph’s coat of many colours.
Looking forward to the next installment. Regards,Mark
It is lovely - and looks great on you.
You’ve made me want to read it - though I may need an interpreter at times!
Well done with the sewing!
I think it looks good - very relaxed and spring-y.
Hey Sandra! Thanks for the tip! I read it yesterday, but I struggled a bit because Lewis doesn’t start from the Bible. I wasn’t convinced by his argument. What did you think?
Interesting post Karen - Thanks
I like the ending too! :D
xxx
Fantastic post, Karen. Just great. Thanks!
Thanks Bec! Eternal life just keeps getting better and better ...
I do like the way you ended this post - excellent thought.
Personally I don’t feel that way. Maybe that’s something you should blog about?
Wow. Lots of things to pick up on there. It’s been interesting to see the changes to your blog these last 6-12 months: Twitter is certainly more immediate, but are there (gasp) downsides to having its constant buzz in the ear?
Is our (already fractured) ability to concentrate on a single relationship at a time further jeapordised by the regular buzz of tweetdeck (and worse yet, by the imagined sense of loss that goes with being off the grid)?
Or am I just projecting my own fears?
Hi Karen!
If you’re still thinking about this… I just read CS Lewis’s essay “Learning in War-time” which exactly addresses this issue (ie. how can we justify cultural & aesthetic pursuits when people are going to hell around us?). Have you read it? i’d be interested to hear what you think..
(i have it in his little volume “Transposition and other Addresses”, but it’s easily findable online)
I’m doing my own series on the trials and tribulations of writing on my own blog here http://sedshed.blogspot.com/search/label/From%20Head%20to%20Hand
It’s coming along slowly
Coincidentily, I stumbled upon the above Phonogram vs. the Fans cover when digging around for ID concepts for Salt. A disturbingly brilliant image.
Thanks Karen. At the very least, this post gives some context to your myriad of phonogram tweets. At best, it has reinvigorated my stagnated appreciation of comics.
Seriously, though 4,549 words. Is that the best you can do? I say, longer!
Blinks:
Why non-religious parents are starting to home school their children. Problems with American public schools. New models for education that will work (instead of just rote learning and teaching things to kids earlier).
Maybe discomfort is better for writing.
Showing her daughter that women are great by doing tours and walking in the footsteps of famous women. I like that this article is about engagement.
Jordan White, editor for Marvel, answers questions.
Jamie McKelvie answers questions.
Vision therapy as a treatment for ADHD, learning disabilities and even autism. The scientific community's opinion. The results of concentrated therapy.
Kieron Gillen on Phonogram, Siege, Ares, Loki and his collaborative relationship with Jamie McKelvie.
Superheroes and how they have changed the way we see urban landscape. Their attraction to New York.
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Comments
I love that - particularly the second one. That’s beautiful, and so true!
Well-put. The last in particular made me think of Jane Austen, and wonder whether Valentine’s Day is perhaps a test of love more than the evidence of it. Like poetry in P&P:
“But if it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away.”
Amen.
Amen.
Until Eve was made, Adam was single. Then God made Eve and ‘brought’ her into Adam’s presence (I’m guessing she simply followed Him through the trees as He strolled along, like a puppy follows its mother). There were, as yet, no customs regarding marriage: no vows of committment, no wedding rings, no in-laws and friends to witness the proceedings, and...no clothes. (Adam here was a grown man and he still couldn’t tie his shoes! How pathetic is that?!
)
It is not recorded as to whether God said anything or not. But, I think it safe to say that what record we do have of this first marriage is sufficient to show the basics. So, when I take this record at face value, it says a lot to me about the nature of human society, and specifically about that core social unit which we call ‘marriage’.
I’m hoping I don’t have to refer to this Bible record in order to obtain agreement on my sentiment that there are only two basic states of human life: single, and married. Regardless, though, my impression of this record is that when Adam and Eve suddenly found themselves in each other’s company for the first time, they didn’t think through a list of all the basic kinds of human relationships as if to wonder which kind they were. I also doubt that they had a socially inherited word to refer to it; they apprehended the manner of this relationship immediately.
To me, that’s the first lesson from this record: only two basic states. But, let me jump ahead to its first application to life in the fallen world: marriage itself is not a committment, since a committment is about whatever is being committed to. The question is why is committment involved? The answer is in the fact that there are only two states: single and married. But, if there are only two states, then what about engagement? Engagement is the spirit of marriage, and marriage is simply that spirit fulfilled, so engagement is really marriage. And this brings me to the answer of why committment has become involved in marriage:
Because divorce is the only other state. Some people get the impression that divorce is possible only if a couple are in a legally binding marriage. But, this is not how divorce began in the world. Divorce is really nothing more than a person’s disowning of the natural responsibility incurred by welcoming another person’s wish to belong to each other in a romantic, or socio-sexual, relationship. So, most cases of ‘dating’ are actually marriage without a legally binding committment, and when or if the couple break-up or dump each other, they are truly divorcing.
The spirit of engagement is what makes it an engagement, not the customary fact that engagements are entered by way of some formality or other. Just like marriage is not itself a committment, engagement is not itself a formal promise. Engagement is a thing unto itself the very nature of which promises its fulfillment.
Breaking up a serious, overtly romantic, semi-sexual dating relationship IS divorce, regardless of whether there was a formal or legally binding comittment to remain together for life, and regardless of the extent to which the couple interacted as lovers. The only real distinction between, on the one hand, serious dating involving romantic and semi-sexual exchanges, and, on the other hand, being engaged, is the maturity that convinces two people to take a legally binding vow to soon become actually married. Such dating is nothing more than two people feeling and acting as if they are engaged, regardless of whether they have already learned enough about themselves, each other, and their relationship to decide either to become committed to a future marriage or to break up.
So, like a rose, marriage is what it is, even though today so many instances of it have been cheapened into being thought of as something else, something pragmatically vague. Contrary to the God-given design of the heart, in the fallen world there is no simple step between single and married. Just one big complicated step.
Nicely put Karen.
A friend of mine once referred to valentines day as ‘Singles awareness day’which I found quite amusing.
I pray that you and Ben are both well.
Stu
Hi Daniel,
I have problems with the following.
“marriage itself is not a committment”
According to dictionary, marriage is:
the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.
According to dictionary, contract is:
a binding agreement between two or more persons or parties.
This sounds like a committment.
“cases of ‘dating’ are actually marriage without a legally binding committment, and when or if the couple break-up or dump each other, they are truly divorcing”
according to dictionary, divorce:
the action or an instance of legally dissolving a marriage.
So if I am dating then I am married?
I’m not trying to nit-pick, I also hear many other re-definitions of the meanings of words by Christians to make an emphasis on a point, thats fine with me if its a artistic appeal to the spirit of the person, but myself being a boring literal person I need meanings to be clear and definite otherwise other Christians will re-define the meaning of words and be inconsistent with other Christians. This can make it difficult for a person like me to know what is true or false if the meaning of words are not consistently agreed upon between actors within the domain of discourse.
In these cases I become frustrated as I need to re-assign meanings of words to persons who possess them. Also, as I said, meanings differ between persons.
Perhaps there needs to be a dictionary of new meanings for words for Christians, like if I break up with my girlfriend then I should tell her its a divorce. Thats so severe… “I require a divorce as I am re-assigning my dating affections for someone other than you”.
I’m not against you, its my problem, just let you see the perspective.
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