What’s the most Godly thing to do?
Tuesday, 14 January, 2003
I'm not sure why my parents' generation seems to freak out every time someone my age (or younger) announces that s/he wants to get married. The flack they seem to cop is amazing; it has all the conflict of Romeo and Juliet with none of the standard obstacles of reason. The baby boomers seem to expect that their children will get a life, travel the world, hook up with a couple of Mr Rights and Misses Wrongs before finally settling down with a career, financial security and a lawyer/doctor/IT genius who has gone through much the same thing. Why is it sensible to get married at 30 when you don't have that many safe childbearing years left? What's so good about travel anyway? Why can't you just know that this person is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? And you know that there will be ups and downs and sometimes you will feel like killing each other but you know that, because you made those promises to him/her on your wedding day, you're not going to go back on them and even if you start thinking about it, God will try to pull you up short. Anyway, I'll stop my rant and ask for some advice on behalf of a young couple who are friends of mine. Believe me, My Big Fat Greek Wedding is a family picnic compared to this. He has proposed to her. She has accepted. Their biggest problem is the parents. They think they're too young (she's 22, he's 21), they should get a career first (they've both just finished Uni), they should get financially secure first (they're looking for jobs now and they plan to get married after working for about six months), plus he's not the kind of person her parents would have chosen for her (she comes from a culture where arranged marriages are the norm) and she should really be working to give back to the family (because they gave up so much to provide her with so many opportunities). He and she want to go into paid full-time Christian ministry eventually, starting first with work, then MTS, then college, then who knows what. It's a huge slap in the face to their parents who emigrated to Australia seeking a better life for themselves and their children. He and she want to get married in order to glorify God because, in being married, they will be better able to serve others and advance the kingdom through their ministry. But her parents are saying a flat-out no; they are saying that they will not support her if she gets married in six months; they are saying that they will not attend the wedding; they are saying they will not support her afterwards. They claim to be Christians and to know God's will for her life and His will, they say, is that she shouldn't get married so young to this young man they don't approve of—that she goes and does a PhD—that she works and gives money back to her family which is starting to struggle a bit financially. So. What's the most Godly thing to do? Is it to explain to her parents that they have no right to make that decision about who she should marry? Is it to go against their wishes and to get married anyway? Is it to honour her father and mother and not get married at all?Posted in: Love and relationships
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The interesting thing to me about parents is that in their generation, people got married a whole lot younger than people do these days!
It sounds like your friends have thought through their plans pretty thoroughly, and maturely.
Yes, we need to honor our parents, but no, we don’t necessarily need to live our their dreams for us. If this is what God is calling them to do, then that comes before what our parents (or anyone else, for that matter) are calling us to do.
I don’t think that using emotional blackmail (“if you do this, then we won’t [insert items here]”) is being helpful in this situation (which should be a wonderful time of celebration, anticipation and planning).
If possible the couple should seek some wise counsel and have people pray for the parents.
With love,
Rachel
To her it seems so wrong to go against her parents given that she’s always been taught to honour her mother and father. You’re right though; they do not have authority over this area of her life.
The whole situation reminds me of those great stories of old where young men and women eloped together because there was no other way—like A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It’s not real; it’s something out of a book. I’m still finding it really hard to believe that her parents said such a cold flat out no.
I think they are hoping to meet up with his pastor some time soon.
Sadly, this is all too common - parents pushing their ambitions and what THEY think is best onto their kids, dictating their kids’ lives. When I was in law school about two-thirds of the class said they were majoring in law because it was what their parents wanted. My own dad didn’t want me to take Mass Communications because it was “not professional enough”.
Recently I had a dilemma - my parents wanted me to do something which was not what I felt God wanted me to do. Someone gave me this advice: “You should honour your parents, but as an adult child. You are responsible for your own person now, before God. As an adult, you are no longer obligated to obey your parents, although you should treat them with love and respect. You must obey God’s destiny for you.”
This made sense to me.
I think your friend has to tell her parents that she respects their feelings and their views, but this is what she believes God wants her to do, and she has to obey Him.
Wow. Do you ever have a lot of questions!
There are some complex issues here.
Some good counselling might help them.
The getting too married young thing can be addressed medically. Look up the research for child bearing years.
Sounds like you are genuinely hurt and angry for your friends.
We boomers can be really hypocritical, can’t we?
This issue happened in my family. The couple were of legal age, and went ahead without some parental approval. It was a big leap into adulthood. They stayed respectful to angry parents who waited for them to ‘fail’. The parents are dead. The marriage is still a thriving, happy one after 36 years.
The culture thing is harder, but in healthy relationships parents raise their young to let them go. There are basically three parenting styles…autocratic, permissive, and authoritative-reciprocal.
Sounds like your friend is struggling with the first one, doesn’t it?
God, family, others. Your friends are lucky to have you in their life. Stay close and love them, eh?
You’ve got to look at it from the parents standpoint too…
It’s a tough one.
I can empathise with both sides actually- well at least to a degree.
My parents have just gone through a very tough time with my sister who was seriously dating someone who was really unsuitable for her (he was 15years older…. neither of them are Christians). Mum and Dad really had to say some hard things and not support her in the relationship. She was very angry that they would ‘push’ their views on her. However, having seen it from both sides I agree that my parents were right in withdrawing their support… not because they don’t love her but because they do.
I their right to put their foot down was more so the case as she was living under their roof.
However, I don’t think that meant she had to ‘obey’ them by breaking off the relationship. I just feel that she needed to make some changes and stop forcing them to accept it by virtue of her living at home.
I guess what I am saying is that sometimes, in order to respect our parents (no matter how much we disagree of how much we honestly believe they are wrong) we need to make some compromises so that we can continue loving them. Perhaps your friends might consider putting the wedding off another 6 months? Perhaps your friend (if she is still at home) might consider moving out so the expectations are somewhat lessened. I know… it all sounds good in writing but in practicality it is harder.
Tough one.
if u took ‘God’ out the equation then maybe you get closer to the truth, but then maybe you wont.