Why it sucks to be me
Saturday, 05 March, 2005
I mentioned before Mike's lecture on Cultural Differences for Cross Cultural Communication. One of his big points was how two cultures can look the same and speak the same language but be completely different. He used America and Australia as his examples:
* It is interesting to think of these things in the light of our conversation with the Mormons on Friday.
As Mike was speaking, I started to feel sadder and sadder because I realised that what he was saying explained a lot of things about the way I felt when I was growing up. During my first six years of life, I must have taken on much of the attitude and culture of North America for, though I like humour, I don't like it when I'm stressed; I get annoyed about gender segregation and to mix freely with both men and women; I expect to get credit for when I've done well and are disappointed when I don't receive it; and I generally respect and believe authority (teachers, pastors, lecturers, etc.)
However, I spent the rest of my formative years growing up in Australia and Australian culture is as much a part of me as North America: I will be relieved when someone cracks a joke to break the tension (even if I won't do it myself and don't like it in situations in which I am chiefly involved); I will mostly hang out with the women just because all the other women are doing it and the men don't seem to know what to do with me and can't talk to me normally; I don't give people the credit they deserve and I get embarrassed when people give me credit or compliment me; and I am, like all other Australians, deeply critical of and cynical about our government.
So the North American part of me is at war with the Australian part of me and, as a result, I feel confused most of the time and continually get the sense I am offending everyone with my lack of social etiquette (did you know that Australian, when they come over to someone's house, bring a gift for the hostess and, when the evening is over, the hosts see them off at the bottom of the footpath? American see them off at the front door). However, there is a further ingredient at work within my cultural make-up: my Chinese heritage.
Being Chinese means that I don't always get Australian (or American) humour, thus making it completely impossible for me to ever make it big in the comedy circuit; I am serious most of the time; I have a strong work ethic (work hard and good things will come) which is completely at odds with the Australian way of just kicking back and relaxing; family is everything, or it ought to be (cue the guilt)—even if they're distant relatives and you've never seen them before in your life; the purpose of your life is to make them feel proud of you so they can brag about you to friends; to be successful in life is to have financial security in a lucrative career so you can provide for yourself and your family; education is really really important; do well but don't expect others to favour you for it; and you must respect the head of your household, your teacher, your principal, your driving instructor, the government, etc. (Check out “62 Ways to Know If You are Asian”—it's quite humorous but not everything applies to me.)
It's not a war with two sides, it's a war with three sides and I'm caught in the middle of it, being pulled in three different directions by three different cultures. So I'll worry about offending someone but part of me won't care whether or not I have and another part of me thinks I should learn how I ought to behave so I don't go around offending people by accident. I am always on the outside—I will never fit in in this country, in Canada or Hong Kong. They'll know the minute I open my mouth—my mongrel background is in my accent.
But writers are always on the outside—on the fringes of society, never fitting in. Why, then, does it suck so much?
Blinks:
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Thought Balloon is a group blog in which the writers tackle a new theme every week? month? with one-page scripts. This URL is for their Phonogram ones.
How to sew a zipper on a knitted garment.
Issues organised by tale.
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To me, it doesn’t sound like it sucks to be you at all…
At some levels of abstraction, humans are gloriously predicable machines.
I grew up in England, New Zealand and Australia and moved between them and in them a dozen times. Each of those countries, despite being English speaking and similar in many ways, had its own words for things, education system, social etiquette etc. Even today I am constantly reminded of my being British by the strange looks friends give when I say something foreign to them. However, I have concluded that even if I had stayed in one place my whole life, I may still feel that I don’t belong or as you said in your case “I am always on the outside - I will never fit in in this country”...and the reason I conclude that is simply because it is true: I DON’T belong here! This is not my home! My home is in Heaven. Whatever culture you find yourself in, take comfort in knowing where your true citizenship lies.
love Hezza
Thanks Hezza for the reminder! I need to hear such things about our true reality when I’m down!
Gosh Karen - it sounds like you’re feeling that it’s really difficult to be you! Can I say that I LIKE the fact that you are so unique! You are one very special chick and God has gifted you in so many ways and given you so many experiences. I think it’s easy to overlook that what you may find difficult to cope with will be what others find most appealing about you, and also that God gives us difficult circumstances to mould us and shape us to be better Christians.
For example, I could always look back and say to God: “Why did you let me be sexually abused as a child” and sure it was not a pleasant experience and sure it has impacted on me enormously, and sure I don’t know that I’ll ever be whole, but I can REALLY REALLY relate to those I meet in Christian circles who have gone through the same experience, and it makes me BETTER at my job.
So, guess what I am saying is, God moulds us and forms us and shapes us through our life experiences. For example, being you you can relate somewhat to Canadians, somewhat to Australians and somewhat to Asians! That’s kinda cool actually, from where I’m sitting
Love you over and over again,
George
In social situations women tend to gravitate towards women and men towards men.
Ahh…so its an Aussie thing and not just a tertiary-aged Chinese Churches thing…
If you choose to belive it sucks then you make it reality.
Its not the other way around.
I had another thought…
I’ve just got back from overseas where we send stuff to people in need - people who would love to have food in their belly, people who have to stick a washing machine in their doorway as protection from bullets, people who don’t have the privilege of a primary education. I am just pondering that when any of us think “it sucks to be me” and believe our situation to be hard, we should probably try to imagine watching our parents die from AIDS and having to raise our 3 younger siblings before we ourselves have hit puberty. Sometimes life can indeed be tough and there is no denying that we may struggle with any number of things - yours at the moment appearing to be an identity crisis - but I think there is also no denying how incredibly fortunate we are to have bibles we can read and food (not only the basics to keep us from hunger but a selection of whatever we want) and a society that will punish offenders who abuse us rather than killing us for shaming the family.
I guess, I am an optimist and I even in my most depressed days, I am acutely aware of those worse off than me and how blessed I am. What I’m trying to say is, you can’t change your situation of being Canadian/Australian/Chinese but I think we are always able to change our attitude. I would maybe say try to see the blessing God has given you in being multi-cultural (I think like George was saying). Even if you cannot find any good in it, look to the other things that you can be thankful about. From reading your posts I guess I would suggest Jesus, Ben and your giftedness at writing. My friends’ Mum used to drive him to school and every morning and instead of talking about their week, they would take it in turns to say thankyou to God for something. They did that all the way to school. I reckon it’s easy for us to be struggling so hard, we miss the joy and wonder of what God has done for us and we complain about how tough we have it when really we deserve nothing at all anyway! God has given us SO much and sometimes the things we complain about are blessings in disguise! There are literally hundreds of things to be thankful for yet we miss them because we dwell on the negative.
Just more thoughts.
Love Hez
Thanks Hez. I know what you’re saying. But sometimes even though you know rationally that others are worse off, it’s hard not to feel in pain. We all feel pain over personal circumstances, even when in the big scheme of things, they aren’t that important. I guess I just don’t want to negate the frustration that Karen is feeling about being a bit of a “mongrel” either. There’s nothing worse than nobody recognising your feelings
With love,
George
True, that’s why it’s way cool that when the world sucks and doesn’t understand us, God always does!
You’re not the only one who’s caught between cultures.
Sheltered and spoilt as I may have been, I didn’t particularly enjoy my childhood. I was shy and alone and uncertain, and school pretty much sucked.
Something changed though, at some point. What exactly I don’t know, but I figured out how I cope with “not-fitting-in” now. And I make myself fit, by sheer force of will. I force myself to be comfortable in any situation, no matter how alien.
It doesn’t sound natural because it doesn’t sound like a decision, but it is: to fit, or not fit. Be comfortable and relax and belong.
That’s my trick. That’s all there is to it. Oh, and smiling. Smiling helps no end. (Unless your in a culture where smiling signals that you want to eat them, but this doesn’t usually happen unless you’re a Bugblatter Beast from Traal.)
Hezza makes a good point though. Ultimately, home is heaven, so don’t get too comfortable here. Every alien moment should make us long for heaven.
Hey,
I think that the situation you find yourself in is one that is quite beneficial as far as the kingdom of heaven goes. I mean, how many people do actually feel like they fit in? I think alot of people dont feel that they fit in at all and it is people like you who are able to understand what it is like to be them. I believe that people who do feel like they fit in find it hard to even know what it is like for those who do not.
It is people like you who are able to sympathise with people feeling that way,encourage them, and let them know about the one who gave up equality with God to become human and was put to death to save those he loved.
I think that, although it’s not fun, God has blessed you with understanding and empathy that some people will never have.
Your Friend and Brother in Christ,
Stu